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The Comic's Crypt

[Tripod Counter]
Shirlock Holmes III
The Adventures of Shirlock Holmes and Inspector Twatson
Episode III
"Eddie the Nanny"
A Comedy
By Alan Salerno (c) 2000
The Comic's Crypt

Scene I:  The Resurrection of Inspector Holmes.

[The scene starts out with a view of Twatson, the Chief and a doctor sitting next to a hospital bed with Shirlock Holmes lying in it. Holmes is seen coming to after suffering an near fatal self inflicted gun shot suicide attempt to his head after he saw himself as the son of Twatson. With his scalp rapped up in bandages, he says...]

Hlms: Where am I? What happened?

Twtsn:You tried to kill your self, don't you remember?

Hlms: That's what I can't sort out. Why am I still alive? [He pulls his gun out again and puts it back in his mouth for another try. The Chief grabs the gun from him and hands him a mirror. Holmes sees himself as he used to be and almost back to normal.] Blimey! It must of been a nightmare or something! [He checks his privates one more time to make sure.] Ahhh! It WAS a nightmare! It's only 3 inches but that's rather wide, isn't it?

Twtsn:Some cop YOU are. You can't even kill your self properly!

Chf:  I wish it were a night mare, but it wasn't. Twatson told me the whole story about you guys going back to 1955 and all. We sent Twatson back to un-shag your mum, in a way.

Twtsn:Yeah, I was feeling a bit randy and thought I'd go back for seconds. [Holmes takes the gun back from the Chief and aims it at Twatson.] But when I got there, the cue of men was so long at her house that I gave up and came back from the time BEFORE we had it off in the first place!

Hlms: [Gives the gun back to the Chief] So that explains why I got my face and jobber back to normal!

Twtsn:Excellent police work matey! I think he deserves a raise for that, don't you Chief?

[Twatson pushes a button on the electric bed and raises Holmes in the air so high that it smashes him into the ceiling. As soon as that happens, the bed comes flying back down to it's original place with a crashing force. Seeing the empty bed, the other three men look up and find Holmes embedded into the plaster ceiling. The men raise the bed back up manually, tear Holmes out of his indentation and bring him back down. The doctor pulls an X-Ray of Holmes's skull and shows it to him.]

Dctr: Your a very lucky chap indeed. A few more inches and the bullet woulda' hit your brain. [Holmes takes the X-Ray and looks at it. His brain appears in the X-Ray to be the size of a walnut and is seen with the highest visability. He looks at the X-Ray and looks into the camera with a confused look. He hands the film back to the doctor.] Fortunatly, your only injuries seem to be superficial.

Hlms: [Says sarcastically] Yea, I'm a regular high roller I am! [as he brush's plaster from his face.]

Chf:  Well, the first thing we need to do is get you back to your original health. There's a new case brewing in the trendy West End. People are reporting a baby sitter who's been terrorizing children on the job. Considering your expertise, we thought to wait until your health improves so you can do it. He hasn't hurt anyone, but we must stop him before he does. He goes by many alias's. [he hands the list of alias's to Holmes to read.]

Hlms: [Reads his first name] Edward... Hmmm... All though he changes his surname often, he still keeps his first name. Maybe he thinks he'll never get caught. I read about this kinda thing. People who take advantage of children because no one beleives any thing a child says, so the culprit never gets nicked because of that. I learned it in one of the crime seminars I went to. I was told by my mum that I once had a twin brother named Edward, but I barely remember him because I was just a tot when he left with my dad after my parents divorced. It couldn't be him? [scratching his head] He's been in the midlands ever since. Besides, any brother of mine wouldn't be doing a girly job like babysitting. That's more down the line of Twatson's type of work.

[Twatson goes for the button one more time, but Holmes shoots his gun at him. He misses his head by a hair and parts Twatsons hairdo straight down the middle. The Chief takes the gun back for the last time and empties the un-spent bullets out of it.]

Chf:  You obviously need a few more days of rest before we let YOU out of here. [He gets up and puts his jacket on] I'll be in touch. [Now whispering to the doctor...] Try to keep him away from any sharp objects!

Twtsn:[Riding Holmes] Yeah, try not to hurt yourself any more. I'd hate to have to go to my own sons funeral!

[Twatson laughs to himself as he walks out of the room. As soon as he is about to exit the door, Holmes pulls out a throw down revolver from his ankle holster and shoots Twatson in his arse. Twatson screams and bolts down the hall.]

Scene II:  Back to Normal!

[Holmes and Twatson are seen back in their office pouring over files of their new case.]

Twtsn:Will ya look at all these complaints? One lady found her 8 year old son tied up and gagged in his closet, and another found her 9 year old daughter hanging from a clothes line by the back of her shirt. This guy is definitly a first class loon!

Hlms: Right down your alley then, isn't he? He sounds like a classic case of child abuse. Who ever raised him probably neglected him, and now he's taking it out upon society. He does have one bad habit that may work against him though. He seems to be creating a pattern. All of his victim's have been reporting from the upper to the lower west end. If he sticks to this pattern, it'll make it easier for us to find him and he'll inevitably fall right into our grasp! Most child abusers are total and complete cowards who never had the heart to own up to any of their mis-doings. We all make mistakes, but it takes a mature adult to mend their ways and become a responsible citizen, doesn't it Twtason? TWATSON? Are you listening to me? [Twatson is heard snoring away as Holmes stops talking. Holmes pulls out Old Faithful (he gave his electric cattle prod a name) and gives Twatson a quick zap with it. Twatson leaps 2 feet out of his chair and awakes.]

Twtsn:Huh, wha...? Did you say something? I'm sorry, I must of dozed off there for a bit!

Hlms: Never mind. I might as well talk to my self. I'm the only one who listen to me anyway!

Twtsn:You can say that again, Skipper!

Hlms: I guess all we can do is sit and wait until he strikes again. We have to catch this bloke in the act some how. [He starts to think of a plan] By Jove, I think I got it! Lets pretend to be parents looking for a baby sitter. If we search long enough, we'll be bound to run into him sooner or later !

[He picks up a news paper, opens it to the classifieds and looks for a baby sitter with the first name Edward. A view of the hands spinning fast on the clock is seen until it stops at several hours from where it started.
   The view returns to Twatson and Holmes still reading. The desk is covered with piles of news papers. Suddenly, Twatson shouts out...]

Twtsn:Look here! I think I may have found a lead! A business called Eddie's Nanny Service is advertised right here! [Holmes picks up the paper and reads it.]

Hlms: His phone number is from the other side of town. It has an East End prefix. I guess he must have it in for the trend setters then, hey Twatson? This guy might as well of drew us a map and mailed it to us with his finger prints and mug shots with it. It's almost as if he WANTS to get nicked. He seems to be a classic case of someone crying out for help! This poor bloke needs the highest degree of professional attention possible. Twatson. [Yelling at the top of his lungs] TWATSON? WAKE THE FUCK UP, DAMN IT! [Twatsons head is lying on the desk in a puddle of his own drool, asleep. He starts talking.]

Twtsn:[Talking in his sleep] No mommy, No. Please don't take my trouser fruit away. I promise to be a good little boy, honest!

[Holmes dumps a freezing cold pale of water on Twatsons head and wakes him up again]

Hlms: Earth to Twatson! CAN YOU READ ME?

Twtsn:All right, all right then. God, a guy can't even take five with out being drowned or electricuted around hear.

Hlms: Nod out on me one more time and I'll give ya BOTH treatments at the same time! [He hands back Twatson the ad] Call this number and ask them how much it is to watch two children for a few hours. I'll borrow my niece and nephew for bait. They're over due for some junior detective training anyhow! Teach them while the're young and you've invested wisely, I've always said!

Twtsn:No you havent!

Hlms: I know, I know. But it sounded clever, didn't it?

Twtsn:What ever. [he dials the number and waits for an answer. A man answers and Twatson talks to him. They make an appointment to meet and he hangs up.]

Twtsn:How strange? Unless I'm mistaken, that mans voice sounded very familiar, but I just can't place it.

Hlms: And how's that?

Twtsn:THAT'S IT!

Hlms: What's "It"?

Twtsn:That! Your voice! He had the same voice as you, as if I were talking to YOU on the phone just then!

Hlms: Well, many people sound alike. Your probably just halucinating again. [ he takes a big toke on an opium pipe he's been smoking. He blows smoke rings like the worm in "Alice in Wonderland"]

Twtsn:Shirlock, I wish you would quit that vile habit of dope puffing. Everyone knows that stuff rots your brain. [He pulls out a flask of wiskey from his jacket and takes a huge gulping swig from it and wipes his lips with his sleeve.]

Hlms: You DID see my skull X-Ray earlier, didn't you?

Twtsn:[Thinks about it and says] Point taken. Anyway, I made an appointment to meet with Edward this weekend.

Hlms: Good work Twatty! I'll call my sister and tell her I want to take her kids to the Millenium Dome for the weekend. She's been wanting time alone with her husband for weeks now. It'll work out good for her AND me, Hopefully.

Twtsn:Yeah, her husband must be getting a bit cramped, being in Battersea for the last 2 years and all.

Hlms: Now now, Twatty, "Thou shall not judge thy neighbor" the good book says, remember?

Twtsn:Since when have YOU become religeous and started to preach?

Hlms: Since I found out that acting like I care about people gives me time to undermine humanity and rid of everyone once and for all!

Twtsn:That's it! I'm reporting you to the house shrink.

Hlms: That was just a joke! [?] My sisters husband just had a bad run of luck, that's all. We can't ALL be model citizens now, can we? [...taking another toke of his dope bong and coughing a loud, agonizng cough!]

Twtsn:Like you? 'Hic!' [Still swigging his flask]

Hlms: Exactly! [Still gagging and coughing]

[The Chief now enters the office]

Chf:  [Quite upset, talking to both men] Someone has taken the liberty to steal narcotics from the evidence gathered in the lab from that East End drug bust last week. You guys wouldn't know anything about it now, would you? [flapping opium smoke away as the room reeks of it] What the hell is this God-awful smell in here?

Hlms: [Making up a lie] Um, It's a new brand of tobaco, Chief. [...Saying with a mouthful of smoke while trying to hide his dope pipe in his jacket. Smoke starts to fume out of his jacket from the pipe he's hiding.]

Chf:  You should seriously consider changing your brand of tobacco, my friend! This stuff smells like you pulled it out of the loo!

Hlms: Consider it done inspector! [...letting out a louder, more agonizing cough than before]

Chf:  And ya better go see the house nurse about that cough. Sounds like your coming down with something!

Twtsn:It's probably just a small case of brain damage! VERY small from the looks of his X-Ray!

Chf:  Oh, and one more thing...

Hlms: Yes?

[Holmes is strongly anticipating the Chief leaving the office while his face turns colors from the smoke. The inside of Holmes's jacket starts to burn from the hot pipe. Small flames jet out from him.]

Chf:  As soon as you get anything new on the babysitter, let me know ASAP! Comprende amigo?

Hlms: [Saluting the Chief] Here ya loud and clear there, matey!

[Twatson burps a loud belch of rot-gut wiskey in the direction of Shirlock which lights him on fire. Holmes's rolls on the floor attempting to extinguish him self. The Chief sees this and runs for his life out of the office. Twatson dumps another pale of water on him to put the fire out.]

Hlms: Thanks, ole skipper! Remind me never to take you to any fireworks dispays.

Twtsn:I hear ya. I DID nearly burn down half the town last Guy Falks day, didn't I? [both men laugh]

Hlms: Yeah, now THAT was a night to remember, wasn't it?

[A siren is heard outside so the two go to the window to see. As soon as they open the window and stick there heads out of it, smoke pours out from it as two streams of fire engine hose spray hit their faces and blast them out of view.]

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