Shirlock Holmes V
The Adventure's of Shirlock Holmes and Inspector Twatson
'The Final Straw'
By Alan Salerno (c) 2001
The Comic's Crypt
Scene I: The Trial Of Miss Hemlock.
[The scene begins with a view of Twatson, Ivy and two prison guards' in court standing before of the local Magistrate. Ivy is manacled and her hand is bandaged due to a gun shot from the prior episode.]
Mgstrt:Miss Ivy Hemlock, you are charged with the class 'A' felony of attempting to destroy public property and threatening the members of the Royal Constabulary.
Twtsn: May I add on this your Honor and approach the bench?
Mgstrt:Please state your name sir?
Twtsn: I am Inspector Twatson assigned to Scotland Yard. I've decided to speak on Miss Hemlock's behalf.
[The judge points and curls his finger at Twatson, signaling him to approach the bench. Twatson does so as the judge whispers...]
Mgstrt:Are you crazy? Do you realize the severity of her crimes? If you attempt to defend her you may compromise not just your rank but your freedom as well! Guilt by association is a very serious penalty.
Twtsn: I understand your magistrate, but if you knew why she ended up this way you might see her situation in a different light, that is if the court is willing to hear her side of the story.
Mgstrt:Well, at this point I guess she doesn't have much to loose. [Turning to face Ivy] I'll hear your side Miss Hemlock, but don't try to butter me up! I'm not easily duped or I wouldn't be the judge now, would I?
Ivy: Of course not your honor.
[The judge asks Ivy what she has to say for her self and she begins to sing her guts out. She explains the death of her father and how it has affected her. Twatson also adds that due to her terrorist activity, she could be helpful in finding and nabbing other terrorists, along with the adequate rehabilitation. The camera turns to the clock as the hands spin rapidly 'til they stop at an hour after she started. When they're finished, the judge says...]
Mgstrt:You see young lady, if a person acts on emotional impulses and without thought, they will become dysfunctional and lost! But if they educate them selves and look before they leap, they will become wise and at ease with them selves and society. It's just common sense!
Twstn::No disrespect your magistrate, but WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Mgstrt:Oh sod it. [The judge pulls a flask of whiskey from his robe and takes a big swig from it] The prisons are over full and it'll cost to much to incarcerate her 'HIC!' [Wiping his mouth with his sleeve] Miss Hemlock, you are hereby ordered to report for parole to Inspector Twatson for a period of no less than two years. If Mr. Twatson believes he can rehabilitate you, than I must give him at least one chance to do so. [Now talking to Twatson, but not very pleased with him] If the wind blows me the wrong way on this one, I WILL carve you a new hole to poo from. Cabish-o El-Twatso?
Twtsn: [Snapping a salute of joy to the judge] Righty-o matey-skip!
Mgstrt:[He turns his flask upside-down and sees that it's empty. This doubles his anger with Twatson] I AIN'T YOUR FUCKING MATE, [He throws the flask at Twatson and hits him in his head] SO GET THE HELL OUTTA' MY FACE, YOU KNOB-HOLE! [Slamming his gavel on his desk a few times] NEXT CASE!
Scene II: A Brand New Day!
Twsn: [Driving back to his office, talking to Ivy] This is the first, last and only time I'll be saving your arse from something like this! And It's gonna take a lot more than just two years of parole for you to pay me back! For starters, your gonna help me herd up all your terrorists mates back to the sunset corral!
Ivy: What, are u nuts? Now that I've turned coats they'll skin me before they get to you! I can't stay around here no more. I'm as good as dead!
Twtsn: You should of thought about that before you started making bomb threats. [He thinks] Well, the name Ivy Hemlock may be dead, but if we create a new identity for you, than you should be safe long enough to arrest the rest of your crew. By the time were finished, you'll have a brand new life to lead, as if you were born again! Do you know anyone in New Zealand or Australia that you can stay with?
Ivy: No one that I can think of. I can't even afford to get my arse out of Westminster, let alone Great Britain.
Twtsn: Well, you won't have to worry about that any more. If you help us out like you told the judge you would, the Yard will help you with what ever you need. The Royal Constabulary is not known for letting there fellow officers go to sod. Where ever you think you'll be safest is where we will send you, for your own sake as well as the nations.
Ivy: So inspector, how in HELL are we suppose to start rounding this lot up with getting killed?
Twtsn: Good question. I wish I had the answer to it. [He makes the thinking face] How about this? If your willing to use your self as bait because they already know you and think you may still be on there side, we could lure them into some sort of trap, but what kind?
[Twatson parks his car and they go to his office. As soon as he opens his office door, he sees Holmes sitting in his old chair.]
Twtsn: [To Holmes] So, ya missed your job so much that ya came back to reminisce, did ya?
Hlms: I miss working with you as much as I would miss having a painful burning venereal disease. The Mayor was so upset with me for not screening Ivy that I was demoted down to Assistant Inspector, and that's not the worst bit. He assigned YOU as my new supervisor. [He picks up Twatson's name plaque and looks at it with disgust.] Oh, you got mail. [Holmes throws the letters at Twatson.]
Twtsn: [Opening a letter and reading it] It's from my night school. I passed my finals! I finally got my P.H.D. in Psychology! My new title is Dr. Twatson and don't you forget it, Girlock!
[Shirlock picks up Twatson's name block and throws it at his head. It hits Twatson's forehead and leaves a red dent.]
Hlms: Good! You can have yourself for your first patient! Just because I have to take orders from you temporarily doesn't mean I'll be taking any of your shit! Make this as easy for me as possible and I won't have to kill you. Got it, bub?
Twtsn: [Rubbing his forehead] Your just jealous 'cause your feeble investigating techniques finally caught up with ya. [He throws Holmes a stick of Chap Stick lip balm] Here. This should make things a bit easier for ya, considering the amount of bum-kissing it's gonna take to get your original rank back!
Hlms: It figure's YOU would have chap-stick on your person. Alright, I'll let ya have that one since you think your gonna' catch the rest of Ivy's crew with YOU in charge. Now that the tables are turned and the balls in your court, just how on earth do you supposed to finish this mess she started? By the way Twatty Ole pal, were you ever caught tossing off on the job?
Twtn: No! Why do you ask? Are you holding a competition?
Hlms: Never caught, hey? So you must be good at it then!
Twtn: Bra-Vo. You finally thought of a joke for once in your life. Oh, by the way. I think you dropped something. [He reaches in his pocket and pulls his hand out only to flip him the vee's.]
Hlms: Yes. I think I lost that in grammar school somewhere when I was eight years old. Enough of the weak childish gags, let's try to finish this terrorist round up without killing each other, OK?
Twtn: I make no promises. All we can do is try.
Hlms: Good enough for me. Let's get cracking then, shall we?
Scene III: The Witch Hunt!
[Twatson and Holmes are seen once more in their office sorting out a scheme to nab the fugitive I.R.A. men who were involved with Ivy's original plan that fouled up in the previous episode.]
Twtsn: [Talking about a plan Holmes thought of] I must admit Shirlock, once in a blue moon your genius shines gloriously!
Hlms: If this scheme of taking advantage of St. Patty's Day to throw a mock celebration in order to lure the rest of Ivy's crew works out as planned, they will fall smack-dab into our clutches. [Holmes picks up a huge bright green leprechaun hat.] These spy camera hats will send images to a T.V. at my flat where Ivy will be with my wife. If she recognizes the wanted I.R.A. fugitive's through the camera lens, she can notify us via cell phone and the culprits' will be ours!
[The scene fades into the day of the St. Patty's day celebration in Hyde Park. Gaelic music is playing and dancers are dancing. Many people have arrived and are enjoying them selves. There are children's rides, jugglers juggling pins', game tents and other carnival events happening. Holmes and Twatson are wearing the spy hats'. They have fake red hair and beards along with matching green leprechaun suits. They are standing in front of a barrel with a sign on it reading 'Bobbing for Potato's', Fifty Pee'.]
Twtn: [To Holmes] Just who WAS St. Patrick?
Hlms: If I remember correctly, he was a Welshman who became the patron saint of Ireland that drove the rats' out of there.
Twtsn: I think you got your stories cross-wired. The Pied Piper drove the rat's away. I think St. Pat drove the SNAKES out of Ireland. [With a thinking face] If he was Welsh, what was he doing in Ireland?
Hlms: Maybe he got pissed and passed out on the ferry. When he awoke he probably made it his home there. [Turning to face Twatson] If you know so much about him then why did you ask?
Twtsn: Just bored I guess. Besides, conversation makes the day go by quicker!
[A women with a small boy walks up to them.]
Wmn: [Reading the sign] Fifty pee to bob for spuds? I can buy a whole bag for one quid!
Twtn: The fifty pee is only a donation. All contribution's go to the Belfast Orphanage for the less fortunate children.
Wmn: Well if that's the case then, here's one pound for both of us.
[The woman and her boy giggle and douse there heads into the barrel of water. As soon as they do, Holmes receives a call on his headset from Ivy.]
Ivy: [Speaking through the phone excitedly] Holmes! Quick! Turn your head to ten O'clock! [He does so] Do you see that man in the plaid coat?
Ivy: That's Sean O'Reilly. He's one of the most dangerous soldiers in the I.R.A.! The two men behind him are his troops. Keep a close eye on them, and be careful!
Hlms: Will do. [To Twatson] See that bloke? [Pointing to Sean] As soon as he goes around that tent, follow him. But be careful! He may be armed. And don't make it look like too obvious. I'll call for back up.
Twtn: Ritey-Dokey skip!
[Holmes calls for back up as the mother and son start burbling something out from the barrel. They apparently got their heads stuck in the narrow top of it.]
Hlms: [Talking into his cell phone] Hello, Sgt. Thomas? Send as many cars to Hyde Park as fast as you can. I think we caught our men! [Short pause] Ten Minutes? I don't think we have that much time!
[Holmes notices the woman and boy's head stuck in the barrel and attempts to free them before they drown. After pulling the woman's head upward with a good hard tug, they are both freed and panting very heavily while blue in the face.]
Hlms: [To woman] Sorry Madam. Here's your one pound back. [Handing her back the money] Next time I'll get a bigger barrel. Oh, I almost forgot...
[He hands them each a potato then follows' Twatson around the tent. As they walk behind the tent and go out of view, a struggle can be heard followed by two 'Thud' sounds. As the three I.R.A. men drag the two unconscious dics' into a grove of hedges', the police arrive. The three men raise their hands'in the air as the police challenge them to halt. Constable Sgt. Thomas waves smelling salts' under the two dics' noses until they finally come too.]
Thms: Are you boy's all right?
Twtn: [Rubbing his head] I think so. Where's Shirlock?
Hlms: [Doing the same] Where am I? What happened?
Thms: One of these days your foolish bravery is gonna get you both killed. How ever did you think of this plan to nab these bastards'?
Hlms: Well, If you want to catch the fox then you must think as sly as one, don't you?
Twtn: Don't forget Ivy. Without her we would never have finished this mess.
Hlms: Yes, but she's the one who started it now, wasn't she?
Thms: Well, as long as we got Sean the 'Assassin' and his crew then it was all for the better! We've been chasing this guy for fifteen years!
Hlms: [To Twatson] Can I trust you to fetch Ivy from my flat so we can finish the report at the office?
Twtn: Will do!
[Holmes drives back to the Yard while Twatson retrieves' Ivy.
The view changes to Holmes waiting impatiently while staring at his wrist watch. After waiting over an hour he stands up, exits the office and drives to his flat to find out why Twatson is taking so long.
He arrives at his flat while still wearing his leprechaun outfit. As soon as he is about to open his front door, he hears strange moaning sounds. With his hand on his service revolver, he quietly walks around to the outside of his bedroom window. As he looks through the glass, he sees Twatson, Ivy and his wife in bed together having a three-way orgy. With a look of despair, he bows his face to the ground as he tosses his hat into the street and heads back to the yard.]
Scene IV: The Final Straw!
[Still wearing his leprechaun suit, Holmes is in Twatson's office sitting on top of several wooden crates labeled 'Danger: High Explosive's!'. One of his hands grips a pushdown detonator while the other slings back a bottle of booze. Instead of the green hat, there is a blasting cap on his head. He is drunk and slurring his words as he talks' about Twatson to him self.]
Hlms: First he pushes me down the road on a corpse trolly, then he travels back in time to shag my mum, then he takes my job and now he's having it off with my bird. [Pointing his thumb at himself] This ole' fella has handled quite a bit in his life time and is tough enough to handle a lot more. But Twatty me ole skipper, you have definitely reached for the last and final fucking straw!
[Twatson enters the office. Frozen in fright, he sees all the dynamite and slams his back up against the wall.]
Twtn: BLOODY HELL HOLMES! HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOU MARBLES?
Hlms: Not quite. As a matter of fact, they're the only things that I DID bring to work today. [He pulls a hand full of marbles out of his trouser pocket and drops them on the floor. Twatson slips on them and falls on his arse.] That and a half of ton of dynamite. So, does she fancy small jobber's or did ya have to get her drunk first?
Twtn: WOT? [trembling with fear] I have no idea what your talking about?
Hlms: [Speaking rather calmly, considering the subject matter] Did you actually think I wasn't gonna find out you've been shagging my wife? How bloody thick do you think I am?
Twtn: [Nervously] Um, Uh... well, if it'll make you feel better, I DID use protection.
Hlms: [Yelling] WHAT THE FUCK FOR? SINCE WHEN CAN YOU PASS ON A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE FROM A RUBBER BLOWUP DOLL?
Twtn: I didn't wear johnnies for that reason, you idiot! I used them so I wouldn't get her pregnant. I spend so much time nannying you about all day, where ever would I find the time to raise my own kids?
[And with that final retort, Holmes pushes down on the detonator and blast everything visible into Kingdom Come! Scratchy black and white archive footage of an A-bomb test is seen before the view fades back to the two dic's at their new residence.
Twatson and Holmes are seen in Heaven wearing angels' wings and halos. Twatson plucks' away on a harp as they sit way up high on a cloud in the sky. He points to a huge crater down below which use to be London.]
Twtn: [To Holmes] What's that?
Hlms: I believe that use to be the Greater London area.
Twtn: Look's more like the 'CRATER' London area! [Both men laugh out loud.] So Shirlock, after all these years working together at the Yard, who would have ever of thought we'd end up side by side, together in eternity?
Hlms: Not me, skipper. I was planning on a place a bit warmer, actually.
Twtn: Well I guess we all can't have what we've planned for, can we now?
Hlms: I MEANT a place a bit warmer for YOU, ARSE FACE!
[Holmes pulls a lever which is beside him. A trap door opens beneath Twatson and plunges him to depths of Hell. Twatson's scream is heard fading while Shirlock flips him the vee's for the very last time. Flames' shoot up from the trap door as Shirlock lights his dope bong with them. As he puffs his opium, he says...]
Hlms: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, eat your heart out... MATEY!
Finished February 25, 2001
HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY!