By Alan Salerno (c) 2000
[For the 'Bottom' series, based on the characters and situations created by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall, (c) 1991-1994
Round I: Break Fast.
[The camera backs out of the view of the sun rising through a haze of smog, seen through a hazier, filthy window. A rooster is heard crowing a weak, sickly coughing crow. Eddie awakes, does what he has to do, sneakily tiptoes down stairs so not to wake Richie, opens the front door and steps onto the front door stoop.]
Eddie: Hello. [he says to a girl walking by]
Girl: Oh, high Dad.
[She looks at Eddie. With disgust, she crosses to the opposite sidewalk, closes her nostrils with her fingers]
Eddie: Where you off to?
Girl: To work. Who do you thinks been paying your rent for the past 10 years?
Eddie: Oh, er, right. That's been you, Hasn't it? Well, Thanks. [girl
[Eddie looks both ways, making sure the coast is clear, retrieves the news paper on the neighbors door stoop. He leaves 50 pee on the stoop, walks home, enters the kitchen, sits at the table, opens the news and starts reading it. He sees an advertisement seeking contestants for London's Oldest Virgin contest being held at the local Odeon. The prize is 100,000 Lbs! He hides the news paper in the kitchen cupboard so Richie doesn't see it, for he wants to play the biggest practical joke on him yet! Nervously excited, with a look on his face like he just had an orgasm, he forces himself to act like everything is normal. Richie awakes. He also goes to the neighbors stoop, takes a bottle of milk as well, but the paper is already gone. He takes the 50 pee that Eddie left, pockets it, walks home and enters the kitchen...]
Richie: Yelling at the top of his lungs, red-faced) EDWARD ELIZABETH HITLER! YOU RUDDY BASTARD! I KNOW IT WAS YOU! I know you took the neighbors news paper because they don't get up 'til half past the hour and I purposely get up earlier to read their paper before they scrunch it all up!
Eddie: No I didn't.
[Eddie fills the kettle and puts it on the stove]
Richie: Besides, I found the 50 pee on their stoop you nicked from me while I was asleep last night. And what are you doing reading? Everyone knows your illiterate. That's why you wear spectacles! Why don't you get a bloody job, you freeloader? Who do you think you are, Paul bloody Hogan?
Eddie: After what I got to tell ya, we won't have to work for quite a while, matey!
Richie: Wot? [a very short moment of shocking pause, with a glazed look of hope in his eye's] Wait! Don't tell me, let me guess. Did you win the lottery? No, wait, I got it! Adolph
Jr. died and left his collection of human teeth, hair and
scalps to you in his will and your going to auction them on E
Bay? What could someone like you have POSSIBLY come across to
change our financial class status, at least MINIMALLY?
Eddie: You see, I heard of this contest. There looking for Mr. Congeniality, and, well, I just thought, ya know, one of us should enter.[sips his tea, pours a drop of milk in it. What's the worst that could happen, lose? We HAVE nothing to lose! We couldn't get any lower than we all ready are.
Richie: That's totally and utterly impossible. How could blokes like
us possibly be chosen for a contest like that? We haven't
bathed since that acid rain shower a fortnight ago, and half
of my hair fell out then! No loss for you of course. And even
if one of us did win, we wouldn't trust each other at all with
the winnings and never will. YOU'D probably take the winnings
and get pissed as usual. I don't even know why we bother
sharing this flat!
Eddie: We don't actually. I have been commanded to reside in this
domicile by Satan for the sole purpose to bring you misery and
make your life impossible, If anyone ever asks, that is!
[There is a knock at the door, Eddie walks half way to answer the door when a cinder block loaded with old re-bar and mortar comes whistling and crashing through the window, knocking him square in the knackers and pinning him to a wall briefly before he slowly slides out of dent in the shape of his arse. With a suction cup sound [thwarp!] he pull's the brick out of his crotch and rolls on the floor clutching his manlies. Nervously and on guard, Richie decides to escape out the back door, but its too late!. He opens the door and an empty milk bottle is smashed right between his eyes. Their neighbor stands there, seething, red face in his pajama's]
Neighbor:I've had it with you two nicking my morning bits! Do this one
more time, and I swear to God I'll off the both of ya I will!
[He slams the door and walks back towards his flat. Eddie finally gets up, warbling about, eyes crossed in agony]
Eddie: Blimey! What the hell was that!...... Cor, where am I? What day is it?
Richie: Hold on, I'll go check.
[Talking at the same time as he mops the blood and glass from his face, He goes near the wall were a crooked, sticky, stained, dusty, yellowed Chippendales Calendar from 1987 hangs]
Ah, here we are! Where's the adding machine you borrowed from
Tesco's 13 years ago? I need to figure today's date. H'mmm,
lets see,... it's warm out, so it must be Spring time, maybe
even early Summer.
Eddie: Indian summers more like it! Every day is Indian summer in bloody London! There's more Pakie's than English in this town!
Richie: Do you mind? I'm trying to remember today's date! Here's another 50 pee.[He throws the change at Eddie.] Take your prejudiced slurs and phone someone who gives a toss. I never see you doing anything to help around here ever.
Eddie: [He Lifts a bottle plainly labeled "Rubbing Alcohol" out of his inner jacket pocket and takes a big swig.] Well, I didn't see that part in my rental contract, 'Hic'! [He Looks at the coins Richie threw These aren't even real pence. They're chits! [He looks closer at them] This one is a ten minute chit from Masturbators Anonymous! And this one is a chocolate coin tin! [He peels it open and eats it]
Richie: [Digging through his pockets] Damn it! What on earth did I do with my chocolate laxatives?
[A look of gloom suddenly falls upon Eddies face,......... and a moment of pause]
Eddie: I think we'll find that out shortly.
[And soon, a loud, long, farting, crapping and plopping sound is heard from Eddies direction.]
Richie: [Acquiring a lecturing stance] You know, there is something on this earth called RESPONSIBILITY. Look it up in the Dictionary. It's on top of the fire place.
Eddie: You mean IN the fire place. I burnt it the other night when It got cold out.
Richie: Well, anyway, being responsible means doing the right thing without being told to. It's a part of being a mature, adult human being...
[Before he's finished lecturing, Eddie bashes the full bottle of milk over Richies head. Milk mixed with his blood, now pinkish, is dripping onto the floor. One of Eddies' hands is around Richies' throat and the other hand is gripping the broken end of the bottle under Richies' chin. Eddie's screaming very angrily]
Eddie: HOW'S THAT FOR A RESPONSE BILLY GOAT BOY? Now get back to the bloody algorithms and figure out today's date!!! [He lets go of Richie and pushes him aside] If we want to win this contest, we better prepare for it before all the others, or we won't have a girlie book's chance of escaping your knob holders!
Richie: [Sobbing and dripping with pink milk] Alright, alright then, give me a minute. You know math was never my forte.
[Richie lugs the bulky, old machine out of the closet and plugs it into the electric wall
Richie: Besides, this old plug in-the-wall adding machine was probably a prototype for the abacus and is most likely off calibration. Damn foreign imports! Let's see now, hmmm [He looks at the calendar] Add 13 years, subtract a few months...
[As he punches key's, the pink milk drips into the machine, thus violently electrocuting Richie. The roll of receipt paper is spinning out all over the living room and sparks are flaring. The camera go's to a bird's eye view of the towns lights glowing very dim. He's now lying on his back, still in a seated position on the chair. Flames & smoke are jetting from his body.]
Eddie: Richie? Ya all right? [flapping the smoke away]
Richie: Last time I looked, I was half left!
[They both laugh, jump in the air to do the high five hand slap, but miss each other. A morbid crunching sound is heard as their heads crack together. They both fall to the floor, but with Richie falling back on the live wire exposed from the first jolt. A greater amount of electrocution seems to take place than the first time. His body morbidly dances a wriggle on the live current. Soon, he is in a pit burnt into the wooden floorboards in the shape of his twisted body, or what's left of it. After a few minutes, Eddie comes to, picks up the end of the scrolled adding machine paper and starts reading it]
Eddie: Bloody Hell! According to this adder, today is January 15th! The contest is only 4 days away! We'll never be ready in time! We've got to think of something quick!
[After a few more minutes, Richie comes to. They both start thinking to them selves, smoke is bellowing out of Richie's shoes, trousers and shirt collar]
Eddie: 100,000 quid! I could retire with that!
Richie: Whadda you mean "I", meaning you? [Flapping his hands to waft
the smoke away] We're both in on this, you twat!
Round II: The Library:
[The camera closes in on them standing in an aisle of a library pouring through the selections of literature; How to be Congenial, The Idiots guide to Congeniality, etc.]
Eddie: What's that? [points to Richie's shirt]
Richie: What's what?
Eddie: That bulge in your shirt? And what were you doing in the lavy for a half hour?
Richie: [Nervous and stuttering] Um, uh, well, you see, I uhh..., was concentrating. That's it! I was thinking of a plan to undermine and win the contest. I need all the privacy I can in order to properly sort this one out. God, I'm so brilliant, aren't I?
[Richie blows on his finger nails and buffs them on his shirt. As soon as he does, a stack of Cosmopolitan magazines fall out of his shirt. Eddie picks one of the magazines off the floor and notices the pages are all wet, sticky and stuck together]
Eddie: You disgusting perve! I can't take you out in public for one second without total and utter embarresment. Where were you raised? On a secluded island somewhere in the South Pacific with lepers where for no reason at all were any females allowed to go near you? The VIRGIN Islands? [Eddie laughs] I bet your the president of VIRGIN records and airlines! [Gut retching laughter explodes from Eddie]
Richie: Well, the island part was right. Its called the United Kingdom and it's in the North Atlantic. And for your information there's nothing wrong with being a virgin. It means your just waiting for the right bird, thats all.
Eddie: I've noticed. And for the past 40 years that's the ONLY thing I've noticed about you! Now can we get back to cramming up for this contest. I won't remind you agian, we only have 3 days till the Mr. Congeniality contest.
[The camera closes 6 inchs to Eddie face as he thinks to him self and says] ...And in 3 days everyone one in London will find out what a pathetic virgin you really are!(with a sinister laugh) ha ha ha ha hee heee"]
Richie: What are you snickering to your self about Edward? [With an insecure sounding voice] I'll bet it's about me, isn't it? [all paranoid looking] One of these day's you'll grow up and finally realize just what life is all about and live normally like everyone else has to on this planet!
Eddie: Oh, not if I can help it old pal. I doubt that'll ever happen.
[They go back to looking for the right books to study]
Richie: Oh, look! Oscar Wilde! How wonderful! [Richie reads the cover of the book] The man, The myth...
Eddie: The POOF! You pulling out that book was just too predictable. [Eddie reads the cover as well, and in a real wise arse kinda way he say's] Your right!, he was quite congenial.
Richie: Oh, wasn't he?
Eddie: Yeah, with school boys bums, which means he wasn't a virgin! [Eddie notices he may of slipped about the contest, but Richie dosn't. He continues] Put it back and find something more relavent.
Richie: Boy Eddie, you even know how to spoil everyone's time in the Library.
Eddie: No, just yours.
Richie: You definitly know how to Wee in ones' Weatabix.
Eddie: If I've ruined someones day before tea time, than I know I've met my quota.
[The camera fades off them, then fades on them exiting library with a wheelbarrow loaded with books to the point where they are falling off in a heap. They turn a corner, leaving view of the camera, but a man hole cover comes rolling out of the alley they turned down and rolls into a bicyclist and knocks him on his side. Minutes later, they arrive back at the flat with half of the books they left with. Richie, Eddie and the wheelbarrow full of books are dripping with runny sewage and there's rotting loo paper hanging off of them. Richie starts to cough something up. Eddie slaps Richie on the back, thus helping him "hack" up a used feminine napkin. He pulls it out of his mouth by it's string, looks at it in utter horror, starts spitting profusely and tosses it.]
Richie: The sewage works you say. That's the last time I'll ever take one of your short cuts.
Eddie: What are you complaining about? You know we're not allowed library cards and the Bill where probably on their way. I had to think of sometrhing. Besides, we saved 15 minutes walking time.
Richie: But it will take that much time longer washing up.
Eddie: With or without masturbating? [Eddie thinks] I'll tell the people in that neighborhood not to poo so much next time. That'll make it less shitty down there.
Richie: Thanks. Your a real mate, you are.[ruingly]
Eddie: Anytime, old skip!
[They get home, carry the books into the lav, dump them into the bath and start washing them up. After the books are washed, they get back to work.]
Richie: You know Eddie, Only 3 of these books are slightly related to the contest. What will we do with the rest?
Eddie: What did I do with the Dictionary?
Richie: Yes. Right. Silly me. Your always thinking, you are.
Eddie: Well, ya didn't think I was gonna read all this tripe, did ya? [Eddie picks out a book] I think I'll use this one for toilet paper. [Richie grabs it and reads it]
Richie: The Holy Bible? Now I KNOW youv'e lost your mind!
Eddie: I thought it was said that cleanliness was next to Godliness? What's cleaner than having a spotless bottom? Besides, feel the texture of this stuff! [Eddie rubs the pages with his fingers.]
Richie: Yes, yes, but isn't that a bit EXTREME, even for you?
Eddie: [He pauses a moment and goes back to the original subject] What does "Congenial" mean anyway?
Richie: I think it has something to do with being a popular bloke, or something.
Eddie: [Sarcastically] Well, thats you all the way then, isn't it?
Richie: [Not realizing his sarcasm] Youv'e noticed! I knew it would sink in sooner or later. All of my freinds just can't WAIT for me to call, poor buggers. They probably sit at home all day by the phone waiting on my call. I'm a regular heart breaker I am.
[Nauseated by Richies self indulgence, Eddie vomits square in Richies mouth & face]
Eddie: Yea, [He wipes his mouth with his sleeve] That's exactly what there doing. So, have you found any good advice from those square logs?
[Theres a knock at the door, but the doors half opened. It's Hedgehog & Spudgun]
Spudgun: Hello Eddie.
Eddie: Hello guys. What are you felon's up to today?
Hedghog: Did you here about the contest being held this week?
[They both gag from the stench of the raw sewage. Eddie grabs both of them by the throat and drags them out side. He's wispering very aggresively]
Eddie: What are ya, trying to do me in? Richie thinks the contest is about being popular or something, so he's decided to enter. I'm playimg a trick on him. He dosn't know it's for virgins. If your in on it with me, keep your traps shut and go along with me. If not, you better beat it for now!
[Hedgehog and Spungun talk in private for a moment]
Spudgun: Wer'e in! Bloody clever trick! Sounds like a winner Eddie. Rumour has it that the lady Vic, Miss Quimbuttons, is one of the judges. It's known she can spot a virgin at a 500 yards.
Hedghog: Yea, and Fingers MacLester? the notorious Hammersmith pedofile? He's being televised from his Battersea cellblock to sit in with the other judges. They say if he can't spot a virgin, than knowbody can.
Eddie: You've got to play along with me on this one fella's, or I'm cutting off the used girly magazines for both of ya!
Hedghog: Don't worry 'bout us Eddie. Trust is our middle name.
Eddie: Well, it sounds better than mine. I'm busy right now, I'll have to get back to ya. I'll keep you informed. [Eddie shuts the door]
Richie: Who was that?
Eddie: The contest committee. They wanted to know if you were still in.
Richie: Then why didn't they ask me? [With a "your up to something" look]
Eddie: [Thinks real quick] Well, you were studying and I didn't want to disturb your train of thought.
Richie: Oh, how thoughtful. I'm so lucky to have a caring mate like you.
Eddie: [Eddie flashes his eyes with an innocent look] What are chums for?