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Scene VI:  The Whole Story.
--------------------------

[We are again in Shirlock's office listening to him and Twatson explain the case to the Cheif.]

Chf:  Let me get this straight. A chemist named Alex built a time machine to rob Barclay's and you can't find him because he is now somewhere else in time? [looks at his watch] Isn't the pub ready to open about now? I could use a pint after this.

Twtsn:[To Hlms] See? I told you he wouldn't believe us! I can see it on the front of the Daily Mirror tomorrow, "Bank Robbing Time Traveling Chemist Bastard At Large!"

Hlms: We need to see if Peter Richman knows more about this time machine than he claims. We've got him to confess to the heist, but now we must get him to lead us to more evidence or better yet, ask him if there is another time machine some where or find out how to build one our selves. He IS mates with Alex. He might know something about building one of these contraptions! I think we should pay Mr. Richman a visit down in the Ole slammer.

[The scene fades off the office and into a view of the three constables questioning Peter in his jail cell, this time in a more civilized manner. A selection of food is prepared for Peter, hoping to coax him into cooperating more than he all ready has.]

Hlms: I don't understand Peter. You were always a good chap when I knew ya in school. What happened to ya that made you so callous?

Ptr:  [Shoving food down his throat like he hasen't eaten in weeks] Callous? I'm not callous, just hungry. How do ya expect a bloke like me to make it in this world with all of the competitive bollocks going on out there? Every pence I earn gets spent before I even see it. I've been delivering milk from United Dairy for twelve years now and only recieved one meager salary increase. Oh, by the way, [to Holmes] your wife left these in my milk van last week. [Peter pulls a pair of womans lingerie out of his pocket and tosses them at Holmes]

Hlms: [Finally looses his cool] WHY YOU... [Holmes lurches towards Peter, but the Cheif and Twatson hold him back] LET ME AT 'EM SO I CAN FINISH HIM OFF PROPERLY LIKE!

Ptr:  [Laughing histericaly and pointing at Holmes] I'd ask what's for dessert, but Mrs. Holmes probably isn't here tonight, is she?

Chf:  He's trying to psych you out and get your goat Holmes. Don't let him get to ya.

Ptr:  If it weren't true you wouldn't be so angry, now would ya Shortcock, I mean Shirlock! Go ahead, read the monogram in the panties!

[Holmes does so and sees his wifes initials in them. Holmes jumps at him again and begins to strangle Peter with his bare hands. The chief and Twatson again try to hold Holmes back, but can't budge him. Peter's face is turning blue and his eyes are rolling back in his head. The other two men finally get Holmes off of Peter.]

Hlms: You don't know how badly you just messed up, matey. We were gonna cut you a deal on your sentance in exchange for info, but now ya can just forget it!

Ptr:  [Panting heavily and trying to regain his breathing] What kinda' info?

Twtsn:What kind do ya think, ARSE FACE! We need more information on that time gadget you've been blabbing about. How are we supposed to catch Alex without using the same tools that HE has?

Ptr:  What? Alex's time transporter? Ya shoulda said something in the first place! I've got the formula and blue prints right in my pocket! Besides, I don't owe that bastard a damn thing, after how he left me with the Bill and all.

[He pulls out a paper with mathamatical formulas and algebra written on it. While reading the paper but failing to make sense of it, Twatson hands it to Holmes.]

Twtsn:What are YOU doing with this if Alex wrote it?

Ptr:  I nicked it from his desk right before we entered the device. I figured if I was gonna' put my arse on the line for him, then he'll owe me a little something for my services. Besides, I'm an out-an-out thief! Whatcha' expect?

Hlms: [To cheif] Do we have any one working with us who can make sense of this?

Chf:  I'll have to check with some people I know up in the Cambridge University engineering & science lab. I studied forensics there many years ago. [Now talking to Peter, nearly heart broken] My own sisters son. I can't bare to face you no longer. And to think I used to bounce you off my knee when you were just a baby. [Turns back to Holmes] I'll fax this formula to Cambridge first thing in the mourning. I'm knackered. It's time to hit the sack for THIS copper.

Ptr:  [To the Chief] But you said you were gonna cut me a deal if I helped out?

Chf:  We'll resume this conversation AFTER a good nights sleep. [To Holmes and Twatson] I'll see you two chaps tomorrow as well.





 

Scene VII:  In the Woods!
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[We see a view of the historic Cherry Hinton field in Cambridge, England. A Punch & Judy show is playing in the midst of a carnival and is being watched by many spectators young and old alike. A song by the band The Stranglers called "Waltz In Black" is playing in the background. Despite the complicated and hard to understand nature of the play, Twatson sits next to Holmes as he tries to sort it out [the show].  

Twtsn:[Looking very confused at what's going] One of these days I'll sort this play out and have a good laugh. Every one else seems to be enjoying it!

Hlms: Out of all the people in this park, why must you sit next to ME? I'm TRYING to enjoy the show. We have two hours to kill before we meet with the scientist in the Cambridge Lab to discuss this formula Peter gave us. This is the only r&r I've had since this horrible case begun and I don't need YOU to spoil it, so will you PLEASE be quiet!

[They continue to view the show. Punch is seen holding a broom stick and is yelling at Judy. Judy picks up a claw hammer and strikes Punch in the head with it. Punch pokes Judy in the eye with the stick.]

Hlms: [Lauhging at the play] Now this is how entertainment was meant to be. The old originals are always the best I've always said.

Twtsn:I never heard you say that?

Hlms: That's because I wasn't talking to you when I said it and I 'm not talking to now either. Didn't I just tell you to keep quiet?

Twtsn:Oh, I get it! You can talk but no body else is allowed to. The old double standard is it then? If that's how your gonna play, then I'll say what ever I bloody well like, SHORTCOCK!

Hlms: Now look who's the pot calling the kettle black! Even if I didn't HAVE a knob, which I most certainly do, I'd still get more birds than you. Besides, how would YOU know how long my jobber is then? You've probably been spying on me when I go to the lavy, you sick pervert! If you won't move to another fucking seat, than I will!

[As soon as Holmes stands to relocate, Twatson extends his foot out to trip him. Holmes falls face first into a puddle of mud as Twatson points at him and laugh's histericaly. He gets up and spits a mouthful of mud into Twatsons eye's and mouth. The two dic's go at it as usual and procede to beat the shit out of eachother with there fists and feet. Everyone stops to watch this REAL life Punch and Judy show that's now started. The audience seem's more entertained at this then the puppets them selves. Even the Punch and Judy puppets stop to watch this spectacle. The Judy puppet light's a cigarette and the Punch puppet is downing a pint as they are entertained by the fighting detectives. Some of the spectator's start to place wages on the duo. The scientist's who  are supposed to meet them are seen lurching over the two wrestling imbesiles and clearing their throats, trying to get the inspectors attention. To almost no avail, the scientist start to kick the two rather hard to get their attention. The detectives stop fighting, see the scientist and stand up to greet them as they brush themselves off.]

Scientist1:If we were interupting anything, we can always do this another time.

Hlms: No, no, please wait. Me and my partner were just having an argument, that's all. Your early and we didn't expect you so soon.

Twtsn:Yeah, ya caught us by surprise there.

Sci:  Well, we don't have all day so let's take a look at this formula which seem's so important down at the Yard.

[The camera fades off them and changes to a view of them sitting at a lab table discussing the contents of the Time traveling formula.]

Sci1: I don't believe it! We've been trying to unlock the formula for time travel since Einstein devised the relativity theory, and a pharmasist from London figures it out and writes it on a beverage nap? Wait 'til the lads at Oxford get wind of this!

Sci2: And look how simple it is. HE has used everday household items to deduce the formula as well! Talk about making the science community look daft!

Sci1: It's always the one's ya least expect, isn't it?

Hlms: [To the scientists] Well, what are you saying then? Can we make this thing or not?

Sci2: Not only CAN we, but in a very short amount of time as well and with less resources than was originally assumed. We've been so busy searching in the wrong places for this theory that it has, in a way, been under our noses LITERALLY for gods knows how long.

Sci1: If we start to construct this thing tommorow, we'll probably have one built in a fortnight, maybe less!

[A look of relief and satifaction fall over Holmes and Twatsons face that they never felt before.]

Sci1: Mr. Holmes, tell your Chief we'll call him in about two weeks, or when we get this thing finished!

Twtsn:Are things suppose to work out this easily?

Hlms: Not actually. I think the guy writing this script just want's to get it over with as soon as possible. This plot is obviously growing staler than your wifes knickers after ladies night at the pub.

Twtsn:Well at least my bird WEARS knickers, unlike your's! I'm not the one retrieving her undergarments from United Dairy now, am I! Who did you marry anyhow, SuperGran?

Hlms: [For the sake of NOT arguing, he changes the subject before they go at it again] Let's get back to the Yard before your wife Monica deflates!

Twtsn:Good idea!





Scene VIII:   The Plot Thickens!
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[Two weeks have passed since the meeting in Cambridge and our duo still haven't heard from the scientists. Holmes is seen pacing the floor of his office along with Twatson sitting reading a magazine.]

Twtsn:Do you think we should phone the lab in Cambridge? It's already been a fortnight and we haven't heard from anyone.

Hlms: Patience, Twatson ole boy. Things like this may take time. It's not like we are waiting on a forensic sample. What we are waiting for is something no one on Earth has ever had to deal with before. We'll be lucky if we EVER hear from Cambridge at all!

[The phone rings and Holmes answers it.]

Hlms: [Holding his hand over the mouth piece of the phone while saying to Twatson] It's the scientist from Cambridge! [He continues to talk on the phone. He acknowledges what is said to him, hangs up and says to Twatson...] They got it! The scientists we talked to two weeks ago just said they finished and tested the time formula last night, except for one detail...

Twtsn:I knew it! There's always a catch, isn't there?

Hlms: They tested it with a rock and a guinie pig. Now all they need is a human to try it. They want to know if one of us is willing to volunteer.

Twtsn:With all the criminals in gaol who could go, why do WE have to do it?

Hlms: Would you trust a convict looking for another criminal? Please try to use that pea in your head that God gave you for once. You were doing all right up 'til now. Don't blow your track record so soon. You do a fine enough job embarrassing your self off duty.

Twtsn:What ARE you saying? That one of us should go into the time machine? 

Hlms: Not one of us, BOTH of us. This way neither of us will resent eachother for NOT going. There's no way of avoiding this one, and I'm not talking about my jobber. (Now where did I hear that line before?) I guess we should get ready for another ride to Cambridge. Better pack your toothbrush Twatson. I doubt there will be much room for anything else where WE'RE going!

Twtsn:I'm already packed!

[Twatson pulls a soiled, half rotten toothbrush from his back pocket and smiles, showing his more rotten set of dentures. Most of his teeth are missing.]




Scene IX:  The Incredible Journey!
------------------------------------

  [The next day, the duo arrive back in Cambridge and are seen in the lab standing around the time pyrimid amongst other scientists.]

Hlms: Well, I guess this is it then, isn't it?

Sci1: Before we do anything, we must all syncronize our watchs. In order to get you guys back here properly, every move we make must be measured with the highest level of accuracy. If our target is correct, this machine should place you at the exact moment Alex and his boys robbed Barclay's.

Chf:  According to the grid coordinates we plotted into the device, you should be at Scotland yard the morning of the robbery, so be ready to catch these guys as soon as you get there!

Sci2: We have already delivered the recieving pyramid to room #21 at the Yard through the transmitting pyramid which you two are about to enter. As soon as your done with your mission of apprehending Alex and Nigel, you'll be prepared to return them to this current time. And one more thing; If you happen to see your selves in the past, by all means AVOID your selves. If you bump into your selves, you will disturb the time-space continuum and the entire Universe may react very negatively. In theory, a black hole could form and destroy the entire universe!

Hlms&Twtsn: H'mmm! [both have very heavy thinking faces, rubbing there chins]

Hlms: [To the scientists] I have just one question. You mentioned "In Theory". In theory, If Twatson is the one who mastrubates the most, then why isn't he typecasted to wear spectacles from failing eye sight and I am, in THEORY mind you?

Twtsn:Probably 'cause you've inherited it. Your great grandparents who were pagan barbarian savages from the northern country obviously originated the vile transgression of masturbation, thus depriving you of ever having proper vision.

[He makes wanking gestures at Holmes, thus provoking Holmes into punching him. Holmes hits him several times in his face. Twatson falls backwards, tumbles into the time machine and vanishes into thin air. The Chief takes Holmes by the rear belt of his his trousers and tosses him into the device as well. A buzzing sound is heard as Holmes vanishes behind Twatson.]

Cheif:And that's that! [Brushing his hands off together] I hope they never bloody come back at all. Good riddens to bad rubbish. [To the scientists...] This pyramid thing was probably where the ancient Egyptians through there garbage. Before they buried there loved ones in it, they musta' used it for an automatic dust bin!


Sci2: [Snickering laughter while wispering to Scientist #1 and staring at the Cheif] Now I know why Twatson and Holmes are like the way they are!

Sci1: [Looking at some meters spinning around on the time machine] NO! Oh my God, this can't be right at all! The clock indicates they have went back to 1955! [All the men in the room run over to see and seemed stunned]

Sci2: You must of set the warp attenuator on the wrong degree of velocity!

Sci1: Whatya' mean "ME"? You were the last one to fuck with this thing! I was at the cafateria when you set the coordinates!

Sci2: Which makes you neglectful AS WELL as clumsy! What'ya doing eating when we have police work to do! What's more important, National Security or your appetite. [Now the Cheif begins to laugh at the two lab techncians.]

Chf:  [Prodding the two scientists] Are you gonna take that from him? Go ahead Trevor, [hands a frying pan to Trevor, sci #2] Smash Simon's [Sci #1] face in! I dare ya! I bet neither of ya got the balls!

 [Simon picks up a lit bunson burner torch and attempt's to burn Trevor's face. Before he can do that, Trevor picks up a glass labeled in large letters "Sulfuric Acid" and toss's it in Simon's eye's. Simon scream's and swings at Trevor with both fist's while unable to see from the Acid. Trevor uses the pan to deflect Simon's blow's and then smash's Simon in the face with it a few times. The Chief bolt's out the lab door and vacates the premises. He is now walking very fast through the common of Cambridge U as the sound of the two scientists fighting fades.]




Scene X:  Lost in Time
-------------------------

{It is now 1955 at the Scotland Yard. Holmes and Twatson stand inspecting the scenery. They just arrived there from the time machine and quickly know something is very wrong. The cars are different and clothes styles are out-dated. It's as if they fell square into a Broadway play or something. They become completely apprehensive and keep their guard high.]

Hlms: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Twtsn:That we shoulda' packed an extra pair of briefs? [long wet crapping sounds come from both of their directions]

Hlms: Precisely old chap! [Crimping their nostrils with their fingers as they both shake their trouser legs to rid of any fecal matter.] So, this is the Yard, is it? Let's see what time and date it is, shall we?

[They both find a news paper and read it's date. They see that it's 1955 and their jaws drop to the pavement as their eyes bulge out of their sockets!

Hlms: Crikey Bikey Motor Cycky! We were'nt even born yet!

Twtsn:Well, at least we won't have to worry about running into our selves like the lab bloke said we might.

Hlms: We won't be running into anyone we know at all, being in this time zone. None of them were born either, except the folks older than us!

[They enter through the door to Scotland Yard and proceed to their office to see who was their before they were born. They stare through the door window to their office and see a man at the desk, but don't recognize him. They continue to inspect the 1955 version of the Yard. As they walk down a hall, Twatson spots a young female secretary who is typing away at her desk. His pupils change to the shapes of little hearts, just like in a cartoon. Holmes keeps walking down the hall as Twatson begins to talk to the secretary. After a short conversation consisting of a lie on Twatson's behalf, (Twatson told her he was from another precinct on a two week orientation training course there) they seem to hit it off and make arrangments to meet after work. Twatson exits her office and searches for Holmes. As he walks down the hall, he hears a toilet flush and see's Holmes wiping his hands off on his jacket while exiting the lavatory.]

Twtsn: [To Holmes] Your not going to beleive what just happened?

Hlms: I never beleive what you say anyway so why should I now?

Twtsn:I just met the most wonderful women on earth, and I think, I mean I KNOW she fancies me!

Hlms: Your right again Ole' Dic! I don't beleive you, so why did ya' even bother?

Twtsn:Have it your way then and suit your self. At least I know where I'LL be tonight!

Hlms: Right! In the shower with your water proof crate of girly mag's which are on top just to cover up the nude-GUY magazines that you REALLY drool over!

Twtsn:Peeking at my privates again, have you? NOW who's the tremendous pervert?

Hlms: Even if you DO have a date, you wont have much time for it. If those lab tech's don't find a way to get us out of this time period, God know's what'll happen. According to the scientists theory, there are many ways of disturbing the time continuem that we don't know about and every move we make may be detrimental. Besides, Alex is still at large somewhere in the year 2000 and I'm not about to give up on that bloke!

Twtsn:Well, if being in this time period means having it off with a sexy bird, than I can wait a few days!

Hlms: Why not? You've already waited fourty-some-odd years. I guess a few days won't hurt.

[As they walk by room #21, smoke pours out from under it's door. They open the door and see a time pyramid with a note in it. Holmes picks it up and reads it.]

Hlms: [Reading the note aloud so Twatson hears it too] Look hear Twatty, I think they found us! It say's...
        "Sorry for sending you back to the Fifteys. We had a mis-calculation and it's all fixed now. Just enter the pyramid and adjust the dial inside to the proper time to come back."
         Brilliant! We're saved Twatson! Twatson? Where'd ya go? [Turning his head about to search for him.] Oh, sod him! I'll go back and find Alex and Nigel my self. He'll just muck everything up anyhow!

[Holmes enters the pyramid, set's the machine to when Alex and Nigel are suppose to be at the bank and vanishes.
  The scene changes to Holmes reappearing back in the actual time when Alex is to commit his felonious act. He calls for back up from the Yard and prepares to nab the time bandit. Holmes jumps in his car while other police cars follow him. He drives to the bank that is schedualed to be robbed and almost runs over Alex and Nigel as they are about to leap into there time pyramid. The police challenge Alex and Nig to halt and they do so. They are cuffed and hauled off by the constables.]

Chf:  [To Holmes] How on Earth did you know about this robbery?

Hlms: It's a very long and unbeleivable story!

Chf:  Most of your yarns are, but this one I feel is gonna take the cake!

Hlms: I'll tell ya all about it soon enough.

Chf:  [Looking satisfied, then suddenly a look of confusion dawns over his face] Shirlock, what happened to Twatson? Is it his day off?

Hlms: [A surprized look of horror falls on his face] BLOODY HELL! I left him back in the Nine-teen-fifties and forgot all about him!

Chf:  The nine-teen whaties? What on Earth ARE you talking about.  

[As soon as he says that, Twatsons walks up to both of them with a smile on his face from ear to ear]

Hlms: Where the hell did YOU shove off too?

Twtsn:Whatta' you care? Ya didn't believe me about the bird I met so I went and had it off with her, didn't I? [He pulls a photo with a phone number on the back of it out of his jacket and hands it to Holmes] NOW do you believe me?

Hlms: [Reading the name on the photo as his eyes bulge out of his head while his face turns beet red] Mary Winslow? That was me Mum's name! You couldn't of!
 
[A song by the Damned called Looking At You begins to play. At this point, Shirlock's face changes into the likeness of Twatson. Twatsons rendevous with Mary has disturbed the time continuem and is now taking it's toll by changing Shirlock into the illigitimate love child of Inspector Twatson and Mary Winslow. Holmes feels himself changing, runs to look in the side view mirror of his Vauxhaul and sees the face of Twatson. He lets out a blood-curdling scream of terror.]

Hlms: [To Twatson] YOU BASTARD! YOU SHAGGED MY MOTHER, YOU BASTARD!

Chf:  [Laughing histerically] At least you both have something in common now, don't ya!

Twtsn:[Laughing as well] Don't worry ole pal. Knowing what it's like to walk around looking like me, I'll pay for the plastic surgery!

Hlms: That doesn't bother me so much as what I just felt happened to my jobber! [He pulls a magnifying glass from his back pocket, opens the front of his trousers and searches for his member] Just as I suspected! Well, it was nice knowing everyone. See you all on the other side. Good night. [He pulls out his service revolver and puts the barrel of it in his mouth. As he salutes his Chief for the last time, the camera view goes black as the sound of a gun shot is heard. Credits roll, the end?]



December 4, 2000


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