Shirlock Holmes I
The Adventures of Shirlock Holmes and Inspector Twatson
(Death by Diarhea)
By Alan Salerno (c) 2000
The Comic's Crypt
Scene I: Soups On!
[We see two chefs in the kitchen of the House of Commons preparing this afternoons tea for the crew that decides the fate of our entire race of European and British citizens. Chef Jean Claude Von Vomit apparently seems a bit disgruntled about something, but what?]
JC: [Speaking in a rough French accent and Stirring something in a
large pot] Stinking English Swine and their smelly chunnel.
Thing's were alright in my neighborhood 'til those white bags of
puss raided it with their pound sterling notes and their boigeousy
Hervey: [Same accent and chopping carrots] Don't ya think your being a bit rough on them? They DO pay us better than those scum back in St Lo. And besides, we get free room and board working here. I don't mind it one bit working for the Anglemoi. Most people can't wait for an oppurtunity like this. My own father died sweating and slaving in a French kithcen back in Paris just so I could have a oppurtunity to better my self in the UK. I would of moved to the states, but it hasn't been very trendy OR popular latley to join up in with the Yank/s.
JC: You stinking trader! Who's damn side are you on? Our room is that mop closet in the corner of the lavy and the board they give us is leftover unwanted meals with fag butts extinguished in them before they are bussed off of the dining room table's and your satisfied with that? You always were too easy to please. That's your problem from day one, happy with what ever is tossed to you, like a bum sniffing hound! Most famous chef's end up living in mansion's and luxurious town house's. If ya think I'm gonna take being treated like this lying down, you better think again my old friend!
Hervey: Getting your self flustered is no way of handling something like that. There are way's of going about situations in order to resolve them. If you keep getting angry, then you may well regret it!
JC: DON'T TELL ME HOW TO HANDLE MY ANGER YOU BUM-LICKING TOADY OF SWINE!
[Jeane Claude pulls out from behind him a huge wooden mallet like you would see in old cartoons, about the size of a five-gallon bucket and cracks it several times in Herveys face. Hervey falls backwards and is apparently knocked out cold. Jeane Claude is now seen dragging him into a huge walk in ice box. He hangs his body on a meat hook, exits the walk-in and locks the door. Jean takes his time card, pockets it and fills out a new one, but makes one slight change on it. He marks that day on his card as if he didn't work or come in at all. He puts the card back in the wall holder, dons his jacket, turns his head about assuring the coast is clear and exits through the back door.
The scene changes to the next mourning in the same kitchen. A different shift of chefs enter the kitchen and begin to prepare the days menu. As soon as one of the cooks open the ice box walk-in to retrieve the days supplys, he is found staring at the frozen Hervey LePuke, hanging on his cold hook of death. Startled by this surprize, he is now mumbling and trying to spit out what he just saw.]
Henri: [With a look of terror on his face ] I, I, I....
JP: You, you, you what?
Henri: I..., ice box! (Pointing at it with both hand's) Body in the ice box!
JP: Body in the ice box? [he takes a look as well and sees the dangling corpse] SUCRE BLEU! This looks like a job for Shirlock Holmes and Inspector Twatson!
[They both exit the kitchen and enter a foyer to use a payphone. As soon as they leave the kitchen, someone is seen entering it through the back door. His face can't be seen because his coat collar is covering his lower face like a spy. The person unhooks the body, lugs it over his back and exits the back entrance. As soon as he's gone, the other two chefs return to discover that the body is no longer there.]
JP: What? Is this some kind of sick joke? He couldn't of just walked away, could he?
Henri: I know we didn't drink THAT much for breakfast. Just the usual gallon of vermouth. It usualy takes THREE times as much to do a number on us before we start to halucinate!
JP: What will we tell the inspector when he gets here? He'll think we were joking, or worse! What if he thinks we hid the body to cover any evidence and accuses us of the murder?
Henri: Your right!
JP: We better get out of here before the inspector arrives!
Henri: Good idea!
[Both of our french culinary experts are seen trying to make a run for it, but as soon as they exit the back door they bump right into the inspectors Holmes and Twatson. All four of them fall right on the butts.]
Hlms: [To the chefs] Are you the chaps who phoned me?
Both Chef's: [They stare at each other and answer with a lie.] No, it wasn't us. [They get back up on their feet and hie it for a mini. They hop in the vehicle and zoom away.]
Hlms: How odd. He SOUNDED like the fellow who called me anyway. [to Twatson] let's go in and see what all the hub-ub is about.
[The detective's rummage through the kitchen as they look for evidence. They pick up utensils, pots and pans, then finally come across a huge wooden mallet. Twatson picks up the object, examines it and finds an imprint of a mans face in it with two small streams of blood coming out from where the nose of the man was hit. As they continue their search, Twatson opens the ice box door and see's something on the floor.]
Twtsn: [To Holmes] Look here!
[They both stare at a puddle of frozen blood on the floor of the walk-in ice box. A wallet is lying next to the puddle. Holmes picks it up, opens it and reads the identification]
Hlms: A Mr. H. LaPuke has seem to left something behind.
Twtsn: [Reading the time card's filed in their slot's] And it seems he neglected to punch out yesterday as well!
Hlms: [Trying to put two and two together] Those chef's were in an aweful rush to get out of here for some reason. Mr. Twatson, we must find out who was schedualed to work this mourning so we can haul their arses in for questioning.
Twtsn: I'm right on top of it Shirlock. I'll go call for the management.
[Twatson goes to the foyer and asks around for the management. A man dressed in a tuxedo is seen talking to Twatson. Twatson ask the man who was shedualed on K.P. duty for the day. The man pulls out a list of workers for that day. He tells Twatson their names, phone numbers and addresses and Twatson writes them down. Twatson gives the names to Shirlock and they begin their search. Soon, they will discover that this case will become harder to crack then they originally thought.
The view goes back to their office in Scotland Yard.]
Scene II: Down at the Yard.
Hlms: Alright then Twatson, what do we have so far as "Leads" in this new dilemma?
Twtsn: Not much, really. Without a body, all we have is a lost wallet and a puddle of frozen blood. This blood could of come from anywhere, being where we found it and all. That ice box WAS filled with meat now, wasn't it?
Hlms: Precisely my friend. We must take this sample to forensics and have it analyzed immediatly!
Twtsn: Of course, of course! Now why didn't I think of that?
Hlms: Because your a fat-steaming TWAT! Why do you think everyone calls you Twatson?
Twtsn: [Nearly in tears because his feelings are hurt] Because I thought that was my sur name?
Hlms: [Thinks for a second] Oh, yes. Your right! Sorry about that. Anyway, Lets get down to the lab before tea starts. I'm famished!
Twtsn: Are we still meeting those foriegn dignitaries at the House of Commons for tea like we planned yesterday?
Hlms: Blimey! That's today? I THOUGHT we made that engagement for tomorrow?
Twtsn: That's what you get for THINKING again, isn't it?
Hlms: That's about enough out of you for now!
Twtsn: OH, SOD OFF YOURSELF YA CUNT-FACED GIT! [Twatson pulls out a cricket bat, swings it with full force and hits Shirlock right in the testicles. Mr Holmes is now seen rolling on the floor in complete agony.] NOW GET THE HELL OFF THE FLOOR! They're supposed to award us with a ceremony for that case we solved last month and we only have twenty minutes to get their. Paparazzi and everything are supposed to arrive to greet us!
Hlms: [Growning in pain] All right, all right. Go warm up the car. I'll be right out.
Scene III: Tea For Two
[Our duo are entering the dining area to prepare for a ceremony in their honor. They are being awarded a Meritorious Citation for outstanding performance in cracking a very important case that was solved by them not long ago. They are now seated at a table with a card on it which reads "Guest's Of Honor!"]
Hlms: Twatson, did you ever call those addresses and phone numbers of the chefs we bumped into that the manager gave you the other day?
Twtsn: I didn't have much of a chance between running to the forensics lab and doing all the other horrible shit you usualy have me doing! What do I look like, some kind of robotic octopus or something?
[Twatson pulls the note paper with the addresses out of his jacket pocket, but as soon as he does, Shirlock snatch's it out of his hand and says...]
Hlms: Must I do every thing my self around here?
Twsn: Well, you should be used to it by now, shouldn't ya. I mean the sex bit, anyway. [He makes the infamous wanking hand movement]
Hlms: You know, you can always be replaced, quite easily at that mind you! [An announcer is heard asking for everyones attention. A spot light is now shining on Holmes and Twatson.]
Ancr: May everyone please stand and give a huge warm welcome for our guests of Honor; Inspector Shirlock Holmes and his companion, Inspector Twatson. Let's hear it for them! [A huge applause and roar from the croud is heard as the two stand to receive their due thanks. The inspector's are seen bowing and waving their hands in gratitude.]
Twtsn: [Smiling falsely and talking to Holmes under his breath while bowing] I don't see what the big deal is about anyhow. Who WAS that bloke we nicked? A serial rapist or something?
Hlms: [Doing the same] That CHAP we pinched was the guy who kidnapped a very important member of Parliment. He threatend to kill the man if the other member's didn't fork over ten million Lb's sterling within 24 hours. We just happened to come across him as he was busting open a fruit machine at the local pub.
Twsn: That seems to be our life story. Always getting our man unintentionaly and in unusual circumstances!
Hlms: Well, at least we caught the bastard didn't we?
Twtsn: All I'm saying is that I would drop dead on the spot if we actually CAUGHT someone INTENTIONALLY in the first place!
Hlms: Well what's stopping ya then?
Twtsn: What? From INTENTIONALLY nicking some one?
Hlms: No, From dropping dead!
[Twatson punches Holmes in the face several times over the table. The dining table is becoming disheveled and is about to tip over. While blocking Twatson's punch's, Holmes manages to throw a steaming hot cup of coffee in his eyes, thus making Twatson scream out loud in agony and temporarily blinding him. The emcee runs over with two security men to calm the duo down.]
Emcee: Will you PLEASE control your selves! You two are making a spectacle of your ceremony! You ARE representing the Royal Crown remember, or did you forget?
Twtsn: [Like a four year old child] Well he started it! [Wiping hot coffee from his eyes and face]
Hlms: No I didn't. He did! [Pointing accusingly at him]
Emcee: Listen up the both of ya! Ya better get a grip this second or I'll toss both of ya right out on your bottom's. Now go to the lavy and straighten your selves up. There is five hundred people here expecting a speach from you two, and NOW their gonna want an appology as well!
[The duo go to the lavy and do as the emcee says. While they are in there, they over hear someone in one of the stalls discussing something. The man in the stall is talking on a cell phone.]
Hlms: [To Twtsn] That's him! It's the voice of the chap who phoned me right before we arrived to the scene!
[The stall opens and to no surprise, there stands Henri, one of the chefs they ran into the other day. The inspector's stare at him, stare at eachother, grab the accused perpetrator and arrest him. As they exit the lavy with the culprit in hand cuffs, every one in the dining room stops and stares at them. The room quiets to the point where a pin drop could be heard.]
Hlms: [To the dining crowd] No need to worry any longer folks. We obviously have our man. Will you all please resume your, I mean OUR ceremony while me and my companion tend to the proccesing on this felon.
Twtsn: It's been our pleasure, really it has.
[A huge roar from the crowd is heard followed by an assortment of "Bravos" and such. Holmes and Twatson continue to escort the man out the door and down to Scotland Yard for questioning.
We now see Holmes and Twatson standing in front of the accused man who is seated and cuffed to a chair with a very bright light pointed in his eyes. The Spanish Inquisition were less brutal.]
Twtsn: [To the accused man] So, are you going to tell us what we want to know, or do you want to make this difficult for all of us?
Henri: I'm telling you the truth! I swear to god I had nothing to do with this!
Hlms: You MUST know something! You were THERE the mourning we found a wallet of the still missing chef. There was also a puddle of frozen blood next to the wallet which turned out to be human, according to forensics.
Twtsn: [Lifting a cricket bat and preparing to strike the man] Ya better start talking soon. We already missed this afternoons tea 'cause of you and if ya think I'm gonna miss this evening's, ya got another thing coming, matey ! I'm the last guy ya want to be around when I'm not fed! Just ask Shirlock here!
Hlms: Oh shut the hell up Twatson. No one wants to here about your problems. I haven't eaten today either and ya don't hear ME complaining now do you!
Twtsn: Thats because your a fat stinking bastard. You could live off of your own lard for a fortnight or two without one growl of your gulliver, now could you!
Hlms: [Throws his hat on the ground in anger] That's fucking it! I finaly had it with you and your insolent bollocks. I'd be better off hiring this frog here to do my filing bits.
[They both look at Henri, but he has managed to vacate the premises while our duo were arguing. They look out the window and see him entering a police car, hot wiring it, flipping both dic's the vee's and fleeing the yard.]
Twtsn: Bloody fucking hell! Now if this isn't typical or what. I guess it's par for the course as usual, isn't it Holmes ole boy!
Hlms: Be quiet will you just for once in your pathetic celibate life! Now go put an APB out on that panda so we can finish this mess you started! I'm going out for a bite. [starring at his wrist watch] You fancy anything to eat while I'm out?
[As soon as he says that, Twatson bites into a kebab.]
Twtsn: [Barely audible from mumbling through a mouthful of food] Yes. Could you get me some more of that white cream sauce they put on these things? It's a bit dry today. [Holmes smashes, twists and smears the kebab in Twatson's face and exits the office.]