Scene III: Edward The Nanny
[The view of Twatson, Holmes, his neice and nephew [5 & 6 year old boy and girl] are seen in their office. Twatson and Holmes are now getting ready to meet Edward, but Holmes has a change of plans...]
Hlms: Now, are you sure you got this thing down? I'll go over it one more time. I'll stay at the office while YOU meet Edward with my niece and nephew. I have to stay here to spy the hidden camera I put in my apartment where he will be doing the baby sitting. God nows why I'm trusting you with small children. If my sister new about this, she'd kill me!
Twtsn:You don't have to worry about me Shirlock. Beleive it or not, I was a young lad once too, ya know!
Hlms: That's EXACTLY what I'm afraid of!
Twtsn:[To the children] C,mon kiddies, time to meet your new freind!
[Twatson takes both children by their hand's to lead them to the car.
Twatson knocks on Edwards office door with the children beside him. The door opens...]
Twtsn:[Staring at Edward, agog with disbelief because Edward is the spitting image of Holmes, except for his wardrobe.] Shirlock?
Edwrd:Wot-lock? My name is Edward Ninglebuba. Are you the chap with the kids who need a sitter?
Twtsn:[Not knowing what to say, so he goes along with what he THINKS is Holmes setting something up] Oh, I get it! Alright EDWARD, here's the key to my flat EDWARD. I'll be back by midnight, so no funny business! Got it EDWARD?
Edwrd:Why are you saying my name like that? Are you deaf or something?
Edwrd:Oh, never mind. Midnight it is then. I'll take half pay in advance, if you don't mind.
[Twatson gives him some money and drives Edward and the kids to Holmes's flat. Twatson drops the three off and heads back to the office.
Twaston arrives back to the office and opens the door. As soon as he see's Holmes, he says with a baffled stare...]
Twtsn:How in hell did you get here so fast? And who's watching the kids?
Hlms: What the hell ARE you talking about? I've been waiting here for you since you left with the them! [looks around for the tot's] WHERE THE HELL ARE THE KIDS?
Twsn: [A look of gloom falls upon his face] I could of swore it was you. He looked, talked and even walked like you. He even wears the same spectacles as you.
Twtsn:Who do ya think? Edward! [Holmes finally remembers to turn on his hidden camera. They both look at the monitor, see Edwards face and look at eachother with the stupidest look.]
Hlms: That's him. It's Eddie. I havent seen him in over forty years, but that's him alright. That's another reason why I sent you. If it WAS my twin and he saw me, and now we know it is, it would of spoiled the whole plan of nabbing him because he probably knows I'm the Bill. I had a strange feeling he'd turn up sooner or later. We got to get back to my flat before anything bad happens.
[The view changes to Edward babysitting the kids at Holmes's flat. Edward is on the phone placing bets with illegal bookie's he's known for years.]
Edwrd:[Taliking on the phone and swigging a pint of booze]...I'll put a tenner on Ole Malasses in the third at Newmarket, and another fiver on Pegasus. And don't try to stiff me Charlie, I know where you live! [he hangs up the phone]
Sally:[Wimpering as children do] I'm thirsty!
Edwrd:I said I'd be right with you. And If you don't stop wimpering, I'll REALLY give ya something to cry about!
Bobby:Don't talk to my sister like that!
[Little Bobby kicks Edward as hard as possible in his shins. Edward lets out a scream. Bobby runs to hide as Edward starts chasing him]
Edwrd:Get over hear ya lil' bastard so I can finish sorten' ya out!
Sally:Don't call my brother bad words!
[Sally kicks Edward in his groin as hard as she can. Edward lets out another blood curdling scream as he falls to the floor in agony. Bobby is seen with a bundle of rope now over his shoulder. They begin to tie Edward up while he is on the floor. Bobby hand cuffs him as soon as their finished tying him up.]
Bobby:Did ya bring the gear, Sally?
Sally:Got it right here, Bobby!
[Sally puts on White Zombie's Electric Head in the stereo. She holds up a book titled "Witch Craft for Beginners". Bobby holds up a book titled "Devil Worshipping and Human Sacrificing for Dummies". They light candles placed aroud Eddie and start to chant Latin verses from one of the books. Bobby pulls out a dagger as Sally points out the sacrificial part of Eddies anatomy; His heart! As soon as Bobby is about to plunge the knife into Edwards heart, there is a very loud bagging at the door, as if it's about to be battered down. The two children run scared and hide as Holmes and Twatson unlock the door and enter.]
Hlms:[Screaming at the top of his lungs] WHERE ARE THE KIDS? WHAT DID YA DO WITH THEM YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD?
Edwrd:I would of been heartless if ya didn't get hear one second sooner! They were just about to cut it out of my chest! [Twatson picks up one of the books where a page is open to the sacrificing bit. He reads the heart extracting proceedures.]
Twtsn:[reading the proceedures] "Insert one sharp blade into the chest cavity". Bloody hell, Holmes! Where did these kids go to school? Beelzebub elementary? [Holmes grabs the book and reads it too]
Hlms: Crikey! Those liitle imp's got a hold of there dads old tech manuals. I told my sister to throw these things out ages ago. These books are the reason why their dad is doing 5 to 7 in Battersea.
Edwrd:Sounds like a good place for him!
Twtsn:[To Edward] And YOU hush up or you'll be right behind him!
Edwrd:I'm not the guilty one here so could you PLEASE untie me?
[Holmes and Twatson untie and un-cuff him. They all sit down with the kids and begin to talk]
Hlms: [to the kids] Bobby, Sally, meet your uncle Eddie!
Kids: Hello Uncle Eddie!
Edwrd:Blimey! You two kids keep acting like this, I just might hire them on with me!
Hlms: Don't plan on making anymore baby sitting appointments in the near future, Eddie. We have a stack of complaints against ya from certain clients on the west end on town. The Chief ordered an investigation on you yesterday.
Twtsn:[Reading a list of bookmaking bets Eddie left on a table. Now talking to Eddie] So, youv'e been using peoples homes to do your sordid gambling deeds, have ya? Fine example for tots YOU turned out to be!
Edwrd:How the hell is a bloke like me supposed to make it on nanny wages without having a side income? What, am I supposed to starve to death so all the fat-cats around here can get fatter?
Hlms: There are other ways of making it in London BESIDES gambling and doing other illegal things. Maybe if you promise to change your ways, the majestrate might be lite on your sentence.
Edwrd: I dunno, your asking quite a bit from me, Shirlock.
Twtsn:It's not like you have much of a choice, Eddie.
Both Edwrd&Shirlock: [To Twatson.] OH, SHUT UP! [They both punch Twatson in his face and knock him out momentarily]
Edwrd:So, how's mum?
Hlms: Not bad, as long as I can keep Twatson away from her, that is.
Hlms: I'll tell ya all about it later. Unfortunatly, right now I have to take ya down to the Yard for booking. Since you never did any REAL harm to any children, the Majestrate just might be easy on ya. The less ya say right now, the better! [Holmes is about to escort Eddie out of his flat, but Eddie says...]
Edwrd:[Staring at Twatson lying on the floor, he says to Holmes] What about ya' mate, Twatson?
Hlms: Oh, let him sleep it off. He can take care of him self! [To the kids] Make sure Uncle Twatty locks up after ya all leave, AND STAY OUT OF THE CUTLERY DRAW!
both kids: Yes Uncle Shirlock.
[Shirlock and Edward close the flat door behind them as they head off to the yard. A Camera view of Shirlocks car is seen heading off into the dark city night.
The camera view goes back into the flat where the kids are chanting latin verses around the now tied up Twatson as they light candles. A song called Satan's Child by Danzig is heard. As soon as Bobby is about to plunge a knife into Twatsons heart, Twatson wakes up and screams as the camera blacks out. Credits role, the end? (to be continued).]
December 8, 2000