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The Comic's Crypt

[Tripod Counter]
Shirlock Holmes II
The Adventures of Shirlock Holmes and Inspector Twatson
Episode II
"Al The Chemist"
(The Alchemist!)
 A Comedy
by Alan Salerno (c) 2000
The Comic's Crypt

Scene I:   Opening Shop.

[Alex the local Chemist, not far from Scotland Yard, is seen opening his shop. As he cleans and stocks his shelves, Twatson walks in. Alex says...]

Alex:  Good mourning Inspecter. I'll never get used to calling you that, being you used to work here and all.

Twtsn: I hear ya Al. I'm still getting used to being addressed that way my self.

[An older women enters the shop. Alex see's her, but Twatson doesn't.]

Al:    So, how can I help ya this mourning?

Twtsn: Oh, I'll just get two of the usual. Ya should know by now that every Friday it's hugg-o-rama snogathon night with Monica and I, or did ya forget?

Al:    Ah, yes! The clown faced Johnnies. We just sold the last box to the chief constable yesterday. You'll have to settle for the Star Trek series. All I have left of those are the "Flight to Uranus" episode.

Twtsn: [Makes the thinking face] I've never heard of that episode and I'M the biggest Trekkie on Earth!

Al:    That's because it was only shown one time before it was banned  entirely internationally.

[The old lady behind them is picking up every word.]

Twtsn: [Checking all his pockets and wallet for the third time for condems] I just ran out this mourning, DAMN IT! You can never be to safe now, can ya? Ya just can't trust bird's these days at all. God KNOWS where they've been all day while your out killing yourself for pittance wages. Then ya gotta be hassled and given the third degree by them after the fact that THEY are the one's who need to be questioned. Ya got the milkman, the postman and whoever ELSE just so happens to stroll on by your house while your not there in the broad daylight delivering MORE than mail & milk, if ya know what I mean! This is truly the end of all time we are living in, ya know.

Al:    Blimey! How bad can she be, being made of rubber and all. I've  sold ya two rolls of duct tape all ready to fix that bitch. And what's with the rubber johnnies? Monica ain't nothing but one-big huge one anyhow, isn't she?

Twtsn: Like I just said, ya just can't trust them at all, no matter what they are made of.

Al:    [Hands Twatson a brand new blow-up doll in a box] Here ya go inspector. This ones on the house. What ever keep's ya off the streets my friend. Think of it as insentive.

[Twatson sticks the box up his shirt so no one can see what it is]

Twtsn: Thanks Al. I owe ya one. [As Twatson turns about face to exit the shop, he bumps face first into his mother.]

Twtsn: [To Mum] Hi Mum!

 [His face turns red from embarrassment as he bolts out the door.
   The hands of a clock in Al's shop are seen spinning very rapidly several hours into the day until it stops at eight P.M.. Al is seen locking up shop and turning off the front store lights. He now enters the back of his store which is fully lit. An array of lab test tubes, gas-jet burners and pyrex chemisty equipment are dripping and steaming into one an other in some kind of Dr. Frankenstien looking experiment which is set up along the walls on long narrow tables. A pyramid large enough to fit two humans sitting is seen in ther middle of the room. A set of electical cables are strung from the top of the pyramid to a large array of electrical anodes lined up in a row. He sits down indian style in the pyramid, turns a dial that's in the shape of the ancient Masonic eye symbol on the wall and magically disappears in to thin air.
  Alex reappears into another pyramid, except this one is protected by a tribe of armed soldiers who look like they belong to some kind of relegious order.]

Scene II:  When In Rome...

      [The scene resumes to Alex, now wearing an ancient Roman soldiers mail and uniform while walking down the streets of ancient Rome. He's with an army of approximately twenty men behind him. He has traveled back in time to approximatly the year 0 A.D., when Christ was born. He enters a dark doorway which leads him to a private residence.]

Al:  [To an old women squatting in the dark.] Is your name Helga?

Helga: And why do you ask?

Al:  'Cause if ya don't answer me this instant I'll rip out your liver my self here and now, THAT'S WHY!

[Gripped with fear by this ogre, she acknowledges him and ask's how she can serve him.]

Al:   Despite my ill temper it is YOU who I am at the mercy of. I'm in quite a pickle indeed. I need an ingrediant to finish a formula I have been working on. According to all the wicken I have summoned, you are the only one on Earth who has it!

[He explains the ingrediant which is needed to the women. He exchanges packages and exits back out to his troops.
   Usualy these men are known for killing witch's like her, destroying their homes with fire then burning the crones with their belongings. However, Alex some how has manipulated them to find this women without harming her. Obviously some pretty shifty doings are going on here indeed!
  Alex is now seen reappearing back in his pyramid at current Greenwich mean time.]

Al:    After all these years I've finally found it!

[He opens the cloth package the witch gave him and to his amazement sees an actual piece of an unicorn's horn, and quite a large part of it as well! It seems to be most of the horn about two inch's away from the forehead. He drops it in a hermetic plastic bag and seals it.
    Whats going on do you ask? Good question! Years ago Alex devised a formulae to send himself BACK through time, but not forward in time. The only way he can return back to his actual time he began from is by reversing the seqence of elements which sent him to the past originally. But when this is done, it only sends him to where and when he originated from, no farther and no shorter [for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction]. He believes that with this last ingredient finally found, he may now have the key to future time travel also.
   When mixed with a rare form of mead alchoholthe ground horn dust emits vapors which are so dense that they may cause the spacearound it to fold in upon self, thus creating a vortices  towards the unknown future. If Alex can create this gate to the future, he will knock over the largest surplus of gold and sterling in history!]

Al:   [Talking to him self] All I need to know now is how much of this to use and for how far in time it will take me. I guess I'll have to test some of it or I'll never know, will I?

[With a knife, he scrapes a match heads amount of the unicorn horn dust into a beaker of the mead. Smoke suddenly appears from the it and spins into an eddy. When the eddy grows enough, he leaps he into it and disappears.]

Scene III:  Back to Tomorrow!

[We see Alex standing at his his lab with a baffled look because he doesn't see any change after passing through the vortices. He goes to a nearby store and reads the date on the Sun. He notices he has traveled 3 days into the future. This pleases him so much that he enters his pyramid and sends himself back from WHENCE he came. Back in the present time, he now plans the biggest gold, jewel and currency heist that the city of London has ever had!]

Al:   If it all works out as planned, this will DEFINITLY be the last year I'LL be stocking pile cream and johnnies!

[He begins to write notes in a book.  He takes out another book of addresses and begins to dial the phone.
   The view changes to fades Alex is now seen standing in Hyde park at dusk talking to two other men about something.]

Al:   So, do ya believe it or what?

Peter:'Or what' seems more like the RIGHT answer. Are you sure this thing is gonna' work?

Al:   I just finished explaining to you that I went three days in to the future yesterday. How could I make something like this up? I'll be proving it to ya soon enough anyhow. This week you'll see for your self. That's if I can trust you two.

Nigel:We've known each other since grade school and your STILL questioning our honor?

Al:   Since when was there any honor amongst thieves? Where have you been for the last fourty years, in a cave?

Peter:[He holds his nose, flaps his hand in front of his face and laughs while saying to Nigel...] You sure smell like you've been anyway!

Alex: [To Peter] And YOU be quiet. I haven't seen your contributions to the cause yet either, so both of ya better do as I say and keep your mouths shut or I'll do it for ya, PERMAMENTLY!

[The two abeters listen up as Alex verbally and with hand signs rehearses the heist out as if its an American football strategy. They all syncronize their watch's and depart from the park in opposing directions.
  It's the next mourning and our three to be criminals are seen preparing to enter the time vortices which Alex has just created. They are dressed in the typical bank robbing gear of black trousers, sweater, ski mask and carrying the assortment of tools needed for this kind of work. Peter and Nigel enter the time tunnel first and Alex follows. They reappear falling on their faces back in the lab. They all check their watches and the news paper to make sure they in the right time. They have traveled exactly two days ahead of time to meet the armoured lorrie's filled with gold and sterling they over heard two constables discussing a few days earlier. They go to a rear alley, enter a car and head off to commence the heist.
  The view changes to the three robbers pulling their car to the side of a bank which is recieving the shipment of riches. They bolt out of the car, enter the bank and execute their mission.]

Al:   [To everyone in the bank] Could I kindly have your undivided attention. This is a hold up! If Anyone makes one false move, they won't be leaving here alive! So everybody hit the tiles and take five while we clean ya out!

[Alex and Peter go near the main vault, point their gun's at the bank managers skull and force him to unlock the vault door. Nigel gaurds the front entrance to make sure no one leaves or enters. They exit the bank with several huge bags, enter their car and speed away as fast as possible.
  They pull up to an alley where Alex sent a time pyramid to so Alex and Nigel can get back to flee with the stash. As Peter drives off to ditch the escape vehicle, he is suddenly surrounded by a flock of police cars. The police exit their vehicles and aim their pistols and rifles at him. They challenge him to surrender and he does so.
  Alex and Nigel are seen in the lab counting their take and waiting impatiently for Peter, but it doesn't seem like he'll be arriving any time soon.]

Al:   I had a feeling something was gonna foul up. I told you we shouldn't of taken him. He's probably singing to the bill as we speak, except two days from now. What if he rats us out? We gotta' relocate and hide the stash before this gets any worse !

Nig:  I hear ya, Al. What if one of us goes back and looks for him? Knowbody saw our faces with the ski masks covering them now, did they?

Al:   Nahh, too risky. Unless he shows up soon, I'll have to shut down the time pyramid before the police find it and nick US as well. Poor Peter may have to be written off as a casualty of this mission. Beside, we all knew the risks of this job before we took it then, didn't we Nig?

Nig:  Point taken Al. I guess we should be greatful we got out of there at all.

Al:   This is FAR from over, so don't speak so soon. You could jinx us.

Scene IV:  Caught in the Act!

[The scene of the accused in the spotlight is seen again with Peter's face in the center of it. Cuffed to a chair, Peter is denying every word asked by our two inspectors.]

Hlms: Why must you make a simple thing like answering two easy questions so hard for your self. Didn't your mum ever tell you about honesty being the best policy?

Ptr:  My mum was a Tory. [he spits in Holmes's face]

Hlms: [Mopping his face with a hankie] Fair enough then. Please Allow me to reword that last question...

[Holmes picks up a extra large cattle prod and shoves it down the backside of Peters trousers while Twatson plugs it in to a wall outlet. It can be heard charging with an excelerated buzzing sound. Holmes starts screaming in anger, loud enough to be heard over the cattle prod charging sound]


Ptr:  [Laughing at Holmes and riding him as well] You silly bastard! Every one in Europe knows it's against the Geneva Convention Treaty Pact to use inhumane punishment on civilians and  prisoners of war.

Hlms: Well, I've only got two things to say to that. One, I'm not a civilian. And Two, I'm not Genevan!

[With a push of the cattle prod button, a huge zap of electricity is heard traveling through Peter's body with a bacon sizzling sound. Smoke is seen bellowing out of his nose, mouth and shirt collar as he shivers in an uncontrolled spasm of trauma. While wafting the smoke away, Holmes shuts the prod off and inspects Peter for any permanent dammage. Barely conscience, Peter rolls his eyes and head around attempting to regain his senses.]

Hlms:[Staring in Peters eyes]  Hello? Anybody home?

Ptr: [White foam is oozing from his mouth and nose] Huh, whaa...

[Twatson dumps a bucket of water on Peter's head with the hope it will make him cognizant again. Peter comes to, but still remains combatant]

Twtsn:So, have ya had enough, or are ya game for some more!

Ptr:  I'll have your badges for this! My uncle is the chief constable in this precinct!

Twtsn:Who do ya think I borrowed the cattle prod from?

[Peter reads some letters carved into the handle of the prod, thus noticing his Uncle's monogram.]

Twtsn:Now that your all wet, the next shock will DEFINITELY be a sight
to see, indeed!

Ptr:  All right, all right. I'll talk.

[Peter explains to the inspectors about Alex, the time machine and the plan to rob the bank. Holmes takes notes as Peter spills the whole story.]

Twtsn:[Agog in disbelief] I thought I heard it all but this one takes the cake. How do you actually expect us to believe a sci-fi story like that? We weren't born yesterday, ya know!

Hlms: What if he's telling the truth Twatson? How do WE know whats going on in the world of science these day. Besides, Alex IS a chemist and has always been known for coming up with egg-headed plans and gadgets. Years ago for his 'O' level science project, he made a 'Vee' flipping foul-mouthed robot named Ade-otron. [The view changes to the actual time Alex was in school and let his red-headed robot loose. Holmes explains what had happened] It worked just fine until it crashed through a brick wall entering the girls locker room in the middle of sex education class and started reciting filthy limericks. Alex was expelled from school for good with THAT one, but we gave him an 'A' plus down the pub for it. From a psychological view point, being thrown out of school may have disgruntled him to the point which has taken him in to his current criminal element.

Twtsn:Well, I think YOUR over due for a holiday. Your obviously suffering from Illusions of Grandure, which if isn't treated immediately could land you smack-dab in the looney bin. Two weeks at Great Yarmouth or Brighton should do the trick. I'll go see how much leave ya got saved up.

Hlms: [To Twatson] If you don't shut up, I'll sign YOUR leave paper! Ya know, the pink one?

Twtsn:[After a 'Gulping' sound is heard from Twatson, he answers] Well, I was just making a suggestion, that's all.

Hlms: Save your suggestions for the box in the corner of the lavy.

Twtsn:What box? Ya mean the dust bin?

Hlms: [Patting Twatson on the back in a congradulating way] Precisely ole boy! Excellent detectiving my friend! Keep up the good work.

[Now that Holmes and Twatson have a lead on this new case, they proceed with initializing an investigation.
   Shirlock and Twatson are now seen parking the Vauxhaul in front of the chemists shop. Holmes steps out of the car and reaches for the door knob of the shop, but it's not there! The entire shop has vanished! Amazed in disbelief, he proceeds to inspect the area of where the shop USED to stand. Finding no eveidence of foul play, [fire, explosion, etc] he scratches his head and is totally dumbfounded.]

Hlms: The shop couldn't of just vanished, now could it? [He thinks until he finally remembers who he is dealing with, ALEX!] If he is capable of traveling into the future to heist a bank vault, then I guess he's capable of doing anything! This may well be the hardest criminal investigation in the history of all cases!

Twtsn:I just thought of something.

Hlms: What did I tell you earlier about your suggestions?

Twtsn:Just listen up this once and I'll be quiet for the rest of the day. I promise!

Hlms: All right then, let's have it.

Twtsn:Okay. Why don't we get a psychic to help us find Alex. If he HAS traveled to another time, a psychic may be able to tell us where, or WHEN he has gone to!

Hlms: Twatson my friend, you are definitly proving yourself worth the while today. I just might put you up for promotion if you keep this up!

Twtsn:Well, not that I'm ungreatful, but I should of been promoted YEARS ago for my services.

Hlms: You were. Don't you remember? You were promoted from being a chemist's assistant to my assistant inspector!

Twtsn:That wasn't a promotion, that was a job change! Besides, you used that old false patronizng crapola on me last time you said you were going to promote me. The LEAST you could do is come up with something more original.

Hlms: All right then, how's this sound? If I die before you, I'll let you wear my cap! [He takes off his hat and blows some dust off of it]

Twtsn:Much better thank you. Now lets find a phone book and look for a pyschic who can help us.

[Back in their office, they begin to pour through the yellow pages. After searching for a few minutes, they come across some names of local psychics. Twatson writes down their names and starts dialing the phone. He reaches one of them and makes an appointment.

Scene V:  The Sage-ess!

  [The scene changes to a view of the Psychic, Twatson and Holmes sitting around a crystal ball on a table in a very dark room, obviously looking for Alex. A set of tarot cards are sprawled out along the table with a picture of Alex in the midst of them. There are voodoo dolls and other items of black magic on the table as well.]

Twtsn:So Mrs. Psychic, do ya see anything?

Psychic:My name isn't Mrs Psychic, it's Marina. And I'm NOT married!

Twtsn:Sorry, Marina!

Marina:That's quite all right. Now where was I?

Hlms: You were trying to see if Alex Pilbottle was anywhere in that crystal ball of yours, or should I say ANYTIME in there!

Mrna: [Smacking the side of the crystal ball with her hand as if she's going to get it to work] Damn new-fangled balls! This probably ain't even REAL crystal. I bet it's a glass one from Rumbelows. That's what I get for ordering over the internet! Guess I'll have to use my emergency ball. Ya never know when you'll need it, but when ya do, it sure comes in handy!

[She pulls from aside another ball. This one seems to work better than the first one]

Mrna: Ah, hear we are now! This is much better.

[A blurry image seems to appear as it slowy comes into focus in the crystal ball. It's a view of Alex in his shop stocking shelves. All three of them see it, but the inspectors can't believe it!]

Hlms: This is impossible! We just left his shop a while ago and it doesn't even exist anymore!

Mrna: Who says we were viewing the present? This could well be another time we are viewing!

[It starts to sink into both the detectives heads that this time machine may actually exist.]

Hlms: Well that explains it then, doesn't it?

Twtsn:Explains what?

Hlms:Why his shop is no longer there. He must of traveled somewhere in time and razed his shop to hide any evidence of the bank heist and that he ever existed at all! If we don't find this time gadget, we will never have a chance at nicking this guy!

Mrna:Keep your trousers on boys, there's more of the story coming into view!

[Another view emerges of Alex reading a paper at his shop counter. The date on the paper is legable.]

Twtsn:Do you see what I see?

Hlms:If your trying to get a glance at the page three knockers, ya might as well give up. I already tried!

Twtsn:Not that you pervert, the DATE on the paper. It's from two days ago. He must of went back in time, leveled his shop and fled somewhere to hide out. He's probably sipping pina-coladas in Brazil right this moment with Ronnie Biggs and Adolf him self!

Hlms: If you keep out-detectiving me, I might have to give you a raise!

Twtsn:[grimacing] What? Like those high-heeled platform shoes ya got me for X-Mas last year?

Hlms:[Laughing] And don't forget the matching blouse that went along with them!

[Twatson kicks Holmes as hard as possible in his shins from under the table and makes the crystal ball fly in the air and land on the psychic's head, which knocks her out momentarily.]

Hlms:[Trying to talk while in alot of pain] Now look what youv'e done! And just how are we
     supposed to finish finding this chump?

Twtsn:Well, if this old crone can do it, than any body can!

[Twatson resets the ball on its mount, moves the tarot cards about a bit and suddenly, a view of Alex emerges again of him mixing the unicorn horn dust with the mead. The detectives finally witness something they have never seen before in their lives! A huge vortices is seen growing in side Alex's shop. Right before the inspectors eyes, the entire shop vanishes into thin air!]

Hlms: So there it is then. No one in a million years will ever believe this story, even if they saw it for them selves like we just did!

Twtsn:[Laughing] I can't wait to see the chief's face when you brief him on this one!

Hlms: Who say's "I'M" gonna' brief him?

Twtsn:[Becoming very defensive] Don't even say it! If ya think I'M going to be doing the explaining on this one, you gotta another thing coming, mister!

Hlms: So, I guess ya never wanted that promotion after all, now did ya?

Twtsn:[Lets his guard off and gives in] Then again, me and the old cheify got alot of catching up to do after all.

Hlms: [Patting him on his back] Now that's my girl, Twatty ole pal!

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