Patty & Murphy
The Amazing Adventures of Patty & Murphy
(Patty & Murphy Go To Hell!)
By Alan Salerno (c) 2000
The Comic's Crypt
Scene I: The Port.
PLACE: Northern Ireland
[A view of Patty & Murphy is seen of them waiting at a ship port with two tickets to America in Murphy's' hand.]
Patty: Now, are ya sure this is the spot? I mean, we've been waiting here all day now!
Murphy: Patience laddy. Haven't ya ever heard the adage 'Good things come to those who wait'?
Patty: I wouldn't call sore feet and erne droppings on my head and shoulders' quite such a good thing, unless your a masochist or Scottish!
Murphy: Most people dream of an opportunity like this and here you are complaining!
Patty: Yes, here we are. Except this dream has profoundly grown into a nightmare.
Murphy: Look! [He turns and points] I think I see it!
[Murphy sees a ship approaching. As it nears, the insignia starts to come into focus. Murphy pulls out a pair of binoculars and tries to read what he can.]
Murphy: Hmm... H.M.S. Thatcher. Now why would a British vessel be set asail for the states?
Patty: Maybe it's chartered? The Brits and the yanks have been known to be in some kinda secret cahoots since the colonial days.
Murphy: That may be all well and good, but if that's it, what's it doing near THIS port?
[The ship nears port, docks, and prepares to unboard. Passengers are seen exiting the vessel and some of them are handcuffed and manacled. Eye contact is made by personal recognition between Patty and two of the cuffed passengers. They obviously know each other from some where, so Patty asks Murphy...]
Patty: Do you know them?
Murphy: I don't believe it! It's me old mates McHony and O'Brian.
[A ship guard uncuffs McHony and O'Brian and lets them carry on.]
O'Brian: [Rubbing his sore wrists from being cuffed, then holding his arms out] Well pog mahone! If It isn't Me ole' mate Murphy O'Mara! How've ya been laddy! It's so good to see ya again!
[The two embrace]
Murphy: Likewise skipper. Whatya' been doin' with ya self all these years?
O'Brian: Well, it's a long story, but I'll make it short. 20 years ago, I joined the IRA, but I was thrown out!
Murphy: Ya don't say!
O'B: Aye! Thrown out a 10 story window, If anyone asks that is. I really jumped out of it. It's just too embarrassing to tell the truth 'bout that day. The R.U.C. were after me and it was the quickest way out of that predicament at the time. The bloody Bill been after me since I slipped from my Mum's quim. Good ole' St. Pat must of been behind me that day 'cause any average bloke wouldn't made it! If I didn't land on that manure lorry, I woulda' been offed! I guess I got one of those faces ya just gotta hate!
Murphy: Oh, don't be so hard on ya self. We've all gotta take the bad with the good. You went through a hard phase in yer life, and now it's time to carry on!
Patty: [To O'Brian] What a load of malarky! I've heard more believable yarns on the briny!
O'B: [He ignores what Patty just said and says to Murphy...] That's easier said than is! Any good that I was born with musta' been nicked at an early age.
[Time Sequence: O'Brian thinks back to when he was a wee lad (7-8 years old). A view emerges of him as a red headed freckled child, kneeling at his bedside simultaneously rolling cigarettes from fag butts he nicked from his mums ashtray and praying to god for her death at the same time. There's heavy metal rock band posters hanging on the walls. There's a velvet picture of the American President John F. Kennedy hanging on his wall with a pair of glasses, a mustache and a cigar in his mouth crudely drawn on it. He begins to toss darts at it. His parents are fighting quite violently. Sounds of his mum beating his dad can be heard.
Mum: [To Dad] Your a no good useless twat [WHACK!]. I spend all day slagging me bum to pay the bills, And all you do is walk up and down the aisle of that Church all day, and for what? NOTHING, THAT'S WHAT! [BANG!]. I never see any money coming from your way. [CRACK!] Your church basket never gets anything more than bottle caps and grocers coupons in it [BOOM!]. What the fuck good is THAT gonna do? HUH? ANSWER ME YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH [CLANG (frying-pan to the head sound)]
Bodies are heard hitting the walls, glass is breaking, etc. She enters Jr.'s room all cut up, bloody, biting on the front part of priests' collar and gripping a clump of his dads' hair. She spits out the chewed Vic collar and approaches JR.]
O'B Jr: I'm warning ya! Stay the fuck away from me you sick cunt!
[She struggles to hold him down on the bed by his throat with one hand and reaches for his groin with the other. Evil female pervy sounds are heard. She's all sotted and stinking from opening and closing the local pub most every day of her wasted life.]
Mum: [Slurring her words and speaking as surly as possible] Come here ya little bastard! All my problems are 'cause of YOU 'HIC'!. All you blokes are the FUCKING same! I shoulda' used that wire coat hanger on me quim when the publican handed it to me. That's the LAST time I'll ever be putting me trust in the good LORD again! I guess having YOU will teach me. Now it's time to teach YOU a little something, and how little it is too! [She stares at his crotch, and with a long, deep pervy sound] AHOOROOORGH! [The camera turns out of view of them, and suddenly she screams.] Please God help me! Oh, St. Margrette O'Mary O'Moynahan! I raised the bloody devil I did! [She's seen exiting the room, clutching her chest with blood pouring out of her hands. She's moribund.] Oh Jesus God Buddah Allah, please forgive me...
[O'Brian Jr. has offed his own mum with an old knife. He wipes his knife, puts' it in an ankle strap and grabs a back pack. His dad is seen holding his mum. The Vic is shaking his fist at Jr. as he walks down the road.]
Vicar: [Sobbing] You fucking bastard! All she did was beat us occasionally! Ya didn't have to.... [Sniff!] kill her!
[His Dad holds her lifeless corpse. O'B Jr. is seen flipping his dad the Vee's with both hands, walking down the road where he grew up, never ever to return home again. The view goes back to the adult O'Brian at present time and resuming his conversation.]
O'B: Aye, I guess we can't all have the life style ya see on those ruddy nice-nice BBC family shows. [He makes eye contact with Patty] Who's your mate?
Murphy: Harry O'Brian, meet my dear friend Patty O'Sullivan.
[Patty & O'Brian say hello to each other]
O'B: O'Brians the name, but all my dear friends and loved ones call me "Harry the Bastard". Any friend of Murphs' is a friend of mine. So, where ya from?
Patty: County Cork. And you?
O'B: Belfast. I'd tried to relocate as early in my youth as possible. Got out of there by the skin of my arse I did. I saw the shit hit the fan in the rear view mirror as soon as I departed!
McHony: Might of had something to do with that bomb ya planted at the Constabulary.
O,B: Aye, but who's to prove it. There were no witnesses and I was never nicked. Ya gotta' leave that type of work to an expert, I always say!
McHony: Oh, dear me! Please excuse me for my rudeness. Musta' rubbed off somewhere! [Staring at O'Brian] McHony's the name. I'm O'Brian's legal consigliere.
Patty: Blimey! What are you the I.R.A. or the bloody Mafia?
O'B: Oh, don't mind him. A month ago he bought "The Godfather" parts I-IV on VHS and now he thinks he's Marlin Pachino or something.
[The boat sounds off it's horn to pull anchor. Patty and Murphy grab their gear and hie it for the boat]
McHony: [With a confused look on his face] Where ya off to?
[Patty screams as they fade out of view]
Patty: The states!
McHony: But that ship is...
O'Brian: Don't bother. They'll find out soon enough. I just hope they have the sense to get off before it reaches it's final destination, The Melbourne Scrap Dock in Australia! [The subject changes] So McHony, did ya finish your homework assignment?
McH: Ya mean that plastic explosive kit ya bought me for Guy Falks Day?
O'B: That's the one!
McH: I did every thing ya told me, except for one detail. I need to reset the timer. I set it on a ten minutes test run about... [He looks at his watch] NINE MINUTES AGO!
[In desperation, he rapidly rummages through his bag that he toted off the boat, but notices something. A look of gloom falls upon McHonys' face.]
O'B: Why do ya got that look on your face, McHony?
McH: [Very, apprehensively] Promise ya won't get mad?
O'B: That depends. [It dawns on him as well] Did your backpack just happen to change colors? Please tell me it was the salt air that changed the color of that bag!
McH: All right. It was the salt air. But this isn't my ba...
[A huge explosion is heard from off shore. The ship the other men two had boarded just blew up. They both watch as the Ship sinks into the cold dark brine. Flotsam & jetsam are strewn all over the sky. Pieces of the wreck can be seen landing on the water and the beach. They both cover their face with their arms to deflect any debris. The bag that McHony misplaced comes falling from the sky burning and lands right between the two men. They're both starring at the bag.]
O'B: Do you want me to grade your assignment now?
McHony: That's alright. I'll make it up on my final exam. I just remembered, Patty & Murphy were on that ship!
O'B: Sod them! Murph owed me 5 quid from 2 years ago. That's what he gets for not paying me back.
McH: So I guess it's good riddens' to bad rubbish then!
Both: [Singing] Too-aroo-la-roo-la!
[They both laugh an evil, Celtic accented laugh. They do an Irish jig around the bag as it burns and flip the Vees' all over the place in all directions. There's Gaelic music playing out of nowhere to the beat of their dance steps.]
Scene II: On The Briny
[A view of Patty and Murphy are seen floating at sea on a life raft. They are only swimming distance away from shore, but it's so foggy that they think there farther out. Their faces are both covered with soot from the explosion and unshaven to a point where it looks like they've been out there for days.]
Patty: So, I guess we'll never know, will we.
Murphy: Know what?
Patty: Know if that ship would of ever made it to the states. Every time we asked the skipper where we were headed, he laughed at us and kept humming that stupid "Wizard of Oz" song. (Get it? AUS-tralia? OZ?) Something told me it wasn't headed in our direction as soon as we boarded. I think it was the fact that we were the only passengers.
Murphy: Well, It's quite certain where the ship is now. Do you think we'll ever be rescued?
[Patty pulls out the binoculars that are covered with a white cream of some kind and have both lenses all cracked to bits. The straps are singed and broken also. He attempts to see through them while turning the focus dial back and forth. The fog begins to clear up a bit.]
Patty: Well, If we can reach that pay phone booth I just saw on the dock, we should make it home for tea!
[They look at each other stupidly and start paddling the raft by stroking their hands very rapidly in the water]
Murphy: Why didn't we do this in the first place?
Patty: 'Cause YOU were sitting on my binoculars for the past 2 days!
Murphy: Don't blame me! I thought it was just a severe case of piles. You KNOW what the salt water does to me. By the way, were did my pile cream disappear to?
Patty: Pile cream? [Patties eyes' bulge out of his head like Marty Feldman and starts hacking and spitting profusely. He tries to induce vomiting by sticking his fingers down his own throat.] I thought that was tooth paste! Bloody hell! That's the last time I'll take any advice from a South American soccer team plane crash survivor!
Murphy: [He reads the half empty tube] Hold onto your cookies there matey. It IS tooth paste. Well, I guess I'll have the brightest bum in all the UK for some time now, and only one cavity!
[As they near the shore, an object is seen they're not familiar with. It's floating and seemingly anchored to the ocean floor. It's a sea mine with knobs sticking out from all sides. Someone has drawn breasts' around 2 of the knobs, making them look like huge nipples. There's a picture of Sue Carpenters' face duct-taped on top of it. They're both starring at it in disbelief.]
Patty: BLIMEY! Do you see what I see?
Murphy: BEGORA! I don't believe it! I've heard of them but I never thought I'd ever see one!
Both: A MERMAID!!!!!
[They both jump on it and try to have it off with it.]
Patty: GET OFF! I SAW HER FIRST!
Murphy: SOD OFF YOUR SELF! SHE'S MY BIRD, DAMMIT! [As soon as they thrust their pelvises into it, it explodes. A randy but sad demise do they have my friends, or is it?]
Scene III: A Strange New World!
[Patty and Murphy are seen now lying in a place desolate of any foliage or earthly life. The sky is pitch, but there is light shinning from nowhere upon the jagged, dangerous looking ground. They start to lift them selves off the ground and turn there heads, trying to orientate them selves. They are overwhelmed with fear because they are not familiar at all with the view.]
Patty: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Murphy: What? That that WASN'T a mermaid?
Patty: You mean it WASN'T?
[At this point, a huge, gigantic dark shadow creeps near and looms over their now seemingly tiny bodies. They feel a very warm, heavy breathing on their backs.]
Patty: Stop breathing on me you sick pervert! Didn't you have enough of a romp with that
mermaid at sea?
Murphy: I'M not breathing on you! I thought you were bre...
[Suddenly a great roar is heard from the object casting the shadow. Following the roar, huge crapping and plopping sounds are heard from Patty and Murphy's' direction. Patty and Murphy grasp each other and tremble profusely in total and utter fear. Their hair is standing straight up on ends. The huge behemoth casting the shade begins to speak]
Satan: [Bellowing as if it is heard at full volume out of the Grand
Canyon] HOW DARE YOU ENTER MY ABODE UNWEL..[The beast begins to
gag and cough from the stench of the two Irish gate crashers.
Attempting to flap the stench away, Satan continues to
speak...] Bloody fucking hell! I haven't smelled anything that
bad since I went to Northern New Jersey to retrieve Jimmy
Hoffa's soul! And while we are on the subject, how 'bout those
Giants? [Still coughing and flapping as he talks] Think they'll
win this season? [All three of them obviously hit it off like old mates.]
Murphy: I knew it all along! American footballs biggest fan is the
fucking Devil, but who listens to me!
Satan: Well, maybe it's second BIGGEST fan. I think O.J. Simpsons' got
me beat on that one, which reminds me; he still owes me from
that ex-wife trial thing. So lads, what brings you two to my humble abode?
Murphy: Oh, we were just rowing our dingy to shore, minding our own business...
Patty: Ya mean MINING our business! [Patty laughs at his own pitiful
joke. Murphy gets it, but isn't amused. The joke goes by Satan
Murphy: ...And suddenly, KABLOOEY! Here we are!
Satan: [Regretfully] Yes, here you are. Just don't get too comfy. Ya
gotta prove your self worthy around here if ya wanna earn your
[Satan gives them two patches each to sew on there jackets. One patch says "The One Percenters" and the other says "Prospect". Patty & Murphy are trying out where to put there patches, moving them around on there jackets figuring where they look the best. Magically, the patches leap out of their clutches and come to life. The patches permanently embed themselves in the area of the jacket where they belong.]
Murphy: [He turns his head in all ways to check out the scenery] So
this is what Hell looks like! Not surprised one bit, actually.
Beats the shit out of back home. [He sniffs the air] Smells
Satan: It smelled MUCH better before you guys got here. [He hangs an
air freshener around his own neck] AHHH! That's much better!
So, lets do some prospecting, shall we?
Both: [Looking at each other] Uh huh, we're ready!
Satan: Good! Objective number one, both of you need to go back to Earth and find me a virgin. If it's not obvious enough, I'm overdue for a romp! And if I don't get it exactly on time, your not gonna wanna be anywhere near ME! Oh, and if ya can, my bone crushing machine? Ya know, the one we use after we burn the flesh off the bodies? Well, It's out of commission, which leads to objective number two! Some lunatic priest jumped in it and destroyed it with his God-awful holy soul. Must of been that damn power of God in side of him that made his bones strong enough to destroy it. That's why I use his skeleton for a utility hanger! [He holds up and shows them the skeleton of a Vicar!] God's always been known to be a menacing sort around here. I'll need a volunteer to crush bones manually until the new one I ordered comes in from Rumbelows. So, your gonna have to find someone who can fill the position, or else I'll be forced to pick one of you, AND I DON'T FLIP A COIN TO DECIDE, if ya get my drift!
[Patty & Murphy look at each other. They are totally and utterly baffled. Satan yanks out of nowhere two skeletons with old dusty R.U.C. uniforms which have massive bullet holes and burn marks on them. Magically, he cracks there skulls together three times and POOF, Patty & Murphy are back on Earth dressed as the Bill, twirling their clubs as they walk down a street in Belfast, except now the uniforms are brand spanking new with the launderers seran-rap still hanging off the back of them. Their shoes are corafram and look like glass. They tear the rap off, roll it into a ball and stuff it down their own crotches to make their privates look bigger. They look at what they have done, but they see no difference in their new size and leave it there anyhow. They both recognize where they are, but don't seem very pleased at all to be there.]
Patty: So Murphy, do ya think we'll ever find a virgin in this bloody town?
Murphy: Ya got a point there, Patty. Your BORN shagged if your from this neighborhood!
Patty: Did he say if he wanted a bloke or a bird?
Murphy: I don't recall. He'll probably want a bird, but there's no telling when your dealing with someone or some-THING Like Satan! To play it safe, we'll get one of each gender! That way, we just cant lose! It worked with Noah's Ark?
Patty: Yea, but that ship didn't set sail to serve the bloody DEVIL!!! At least I hope it didn't?
Murphy: Also, if we bring down one of each, we won't have to look for the new bone crusher. Ya see, which ever one he chooses to shag, we'll just use the other for the bone crushing! We'll have killed two birds with one stone in a sense!
Patty: [For the first time in quite a while, he smiles] Murphy, your a genius!
Murphy: Save your compliments for after we are done my friend. I don't want to jinx us.
[The view goes back to hell where Satan is pacing back and forth very impatiently, waiting for his fix. Two skeletons hang on a very jagged wall wearing Patty and Murphy's' cloths, as if Satan uses old skeletons for clothes hangers. He looks at his watch, which is an hour glass strapped to his wrist. Instead of sand sifting through the glass, there is gun powder in it with a fuse dangling out of it as well. Being tired of waiting, Satan decides to go to Earth to find the much needed souls himself. He picks up a skeleton that's wearing the Priests' suit covered with seaweed, shark teeth marks and dried blood on it. This was O'Brian's (A.K.A. Harry the Bastard) dad. O'Brian Sr. was a Vicar, until he committed suicide shortly after the murder of his sotted, husband beating wife, Mrs. O'Brian. For some reason, she never made it to hell.]
Satan: [Speaking to the skeleton he's holding] A Vicar! Who woulda' thought? The one I COULDA' used, your wife, gets nicked by sissy boy God, and all I get is YOU! Not very useful you were, were you! First ya off your self on Earth, and then ya jump in my bloody bone crushing machine after only five minutes on the job that I gave ya running it! Other souls used to fight over such a position. Come to think of it, your the one who broke it, weren't ya? H'mm, two suicides from one bloke. Now THERE'S a first! [He turns and looks at his bone crushing device which lay in ruins with cobwebs and dust covering it. He makes a fist preparing to punch the skeleton in the skull, but suddenly thinks of an idea.] AHAA! I think I CAN finally get some use out of ya AFTER all!
[Satan starts to laugh the evilest, loudest roaring laugh ever heard! He lights the fuse on his hour glass wrist watch with a small flame that shoots out of his left forefinger and head butts the skeleton three times. On the third head butt, the hour glass explodes!
After the smoke clears, the view changes to Satan now walking down the streets of Belfast, but in the embodiment of Harry the Bastards' long deceased father. People on the street are staring at him for they knew the good Vic and can't believe he's still alive. They all heard that he killed him self, but no body ever saw his remains to prove his death because they were never recovered. Story has it that he jumped to his death into the sea. The people are all now mumbling to each other about what they are seeing.]
Scene IV: Hell On Earth!
Vic O'B, A.K.A. Satan: [Waving and making the blessing gesture with his hand, he's saying hello to everyone] Hello! How are you all doing on this fine day?
[Some of the people answer "Hello" back, staring at him in utter and total disbelief. Most of them are overjoyed that the good Vic has returned, but there are a few people that can tell that there is something definitely not quite right.
The camera closes in on a view of Harry the Bastard and McHony sitting on the steps of a pub they have just busted through the window of in order to rob the tap dripping trays to drink free from. They are seen sipping from the two trays they just nicked.]
McHony: I wish I had something to absorb this lager down with, like a nice corn beef and cabbage sandwich! [He licks his lips and salivates slobber, now running down the side of his face. He wipes the spittle with his hand and licks it off .]
O'B: I told you a thousand times, if ya don't shed three or four stone by the end of this semester, you won't be able to make it through the P.T. part of the final exam! Besides, your still on my shit list for wasting our last bomb on that ship that was gonna be scrapped anyway. If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, KEEP YOUR BLOODY EYE ON THE EXPLOSIVES AT ALL TIMES, WHAT EVER THE COST'S! For the next time may be your last. These bombs don't grow on trees, do they! Because of you, we're going to spend half the day trying to find a way to get more bomb making material.
[Harry belches a loud, obnoxious belch which is heard for blocks and wipes his mouth with his sleeve. They both finish there free drinks, toss the empty trays back through the broken windows, stand back on there feet, head towards the ice cream & sweets shop and enter it. The shop owner, Clancy, recognizes the two and says hello.]
O'B: I'll get the usual Clancy, except make mine a double scoop!
Clancy: Blimey! Whatya' plan on doing with this one? Knocking over Barclays? I just gave ya a triple two days ago! You must be bucking for chief grand master of the whole northern Irish bloody army! Most of me mates are happy with half a cap, and you STILL owe me for half of that triple. How do ya expect to pay for this one? Your credits near skin, me brother. I've got a wife and two lasses to feed, ya know!
O,B: We've known each other forever and your questioning me credit are ya? Well, I know of other shops I can get me plastic from! This ain't the only shop in town, ya know. Besides, your not the only one supporting your wife, if ya know what I mean, [McHony laughs, then quickly shuts up.] and everyone in town knows it as well!
[Clancy gives harry a dirty look, takes three bags from a cupboard and
hands them to harry.]
O'B: [Very appreciatively] Ya wont regret this, me brother!
Clancy: [Very regretfully] I already have, my friend!
[Harry and McHony put the goods in there backpack, swing it around their backs and exit the shop. They proceed to their hideout, but Harry stops dead in his tracks in total and utter shock! He's staring at the Vicar coming toward him, but the Vicar doesn't recognize him.]
Vic: Yes my son?
O'B: Blimey! You recognize me after all these years!
Vic: [With a confused look] Not really. I'm the Vicar. I call every body son, well, the chaps anyway. [The Vic squints his eyes to get a better view] Do I know you from some where?
O'B: [Harry's in so much joy that he grins and his eyes' begin to tear.] It's me! Harry! Your only son! I left right after that last row. We never saw each other again, well, at least until now. Everyone told me you offed your self, but I never believed them. I always new we'd meet again! [Harry grabs the Vic and gives him a warm embrace.]
Vic: [It finally sinks into Satan's (the Vicars) head of what's going on. He quickly decides to play along] Crikey! It's you, isn't it. My how you have grown! What on Earth have you been doing with your self after all these years?
McHony: [Agape in disbelief] You never told me that y...
O'B: [Cutting McHony off as he speaks] Save it for later, McHony. I'll tell ya ALL about it tonight at tea. [To the Vic] So, when can we get together and reminisce?
Vic: What's a good time for you?
O'B: Oh, my hours are quite flexible, since I'm my own boss and all. Anytime is good for me! And you?
Vic: Same here. Let's get together tonight, if that's alright?
O'B: Fine by me! Tonight it is then!