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The Comic's Crypt

[Tripod Counter]
Harry O'Brian
The Knighthood of Sir Harry O'Brian
A Comedy
 The sequel to
'The Amazing Adventures of Patty & Murphy'
By Alan Salerno (c) 2000
The Comic's Crypt

Scene I:  Knighthood!

[Harry O'Brian, dressed in a shining mail of armor and now second in command of Heaven under God, is seen at an altar kneeling at his majestys' throne. He has just saved the entire Earth from the Devil, and now God him self is thanking him personaly. A ray of light unlike any other descends upon his face, thus enhancing his eternal power! His most loyal and beloved companion, St. Ann, kneels beside him as well. A sword is seen being lowered upon Harrys' shoulder, thus being knighted by the Good Lord himself. Gods face can not be seen in view, but we all know he is there, don't we?]

Harry:  With all the heros on earth whom have gone un-thanked, why do you choose me, oh Lord?

God:    Harry O'Brian, I mean Sir Harry, For thousands' of years I've been trying to convince Satan to curb his habits'. Obviously, your methods' have proven more effective than anyone elses I have ever seen, including my own! For this brave and most humble service you have brought to humanity, my trust is in you until the ends of all time!

Harry:  Crikey! All I did was shove a five-quid grenade down his throat. If I knew I'd get a reception like this, I woulda' done it ages ago!

[Kneeling beside Harry is his most beloved friend and companion Antrim Annie. She now holds the title, given by the Lord him self, as St. Anne of Antrim. A ceremony that has never taken place here before is about to commence.]

God:    The wedding ceremony is about to proceed. Are you ready?

Both Harry & Annie: Yes O'Lord.

God:    Very well than. Do you, Sir Harry, take this fair maiden to be....

[God carries on asking for their vows. The ceremony proceeds as planned along with Harry's parents', Mrs. and Mr. O'Brian.]

Scene II:  The New Menacing Nemesis!

   [The camera view goes back to hell. A new ruler is about to totaly and self indulgently endoctrinate him self into the most horrible position which exist. McHony, who went to hell after killing his mentor, himself and several others, has been voted into office by the hellish crew which exist in this God forsaken place. They are obviously impressed by his methods of force and look up to him as their new ruler and Mentor.]

McHony,or as he is now known as, SATAN:
        It's about time I have a proper, fitting seat in some office somewhere. Members of the British Parliment, eat your hearts out! [He begins his new evil voice as if he's testing it and laughs a much louder roar than the previous ruler. He turns his head about looking for Patty and Murphy who fled shortly after the first sight himself.] H'mm, now where could those two dust-mites have shoved off two? Hell can't be THAT big of a place now, can it? [He stands up and searches for the two men. A Loud door bell is heard and echos' throughout all of Hell, reverberating off the ground and cave-like walls.] Now, who in Hell could THAT be? [He thinks he made another joke. He goes to an area of the jagged wall which has a door-knob on it, opens it and sees a delivery man standing there mopping sweat off his fore head. A large crate is behind him.]

Delivery Man:  [Not looking very happy at all to be there] Hello. Are you the bloke who ordered this here package?

Satan:  That depends. What's in it?

Man:    Dunno. I don't make it a habit of peeking inside box's which don't belong to me. [He reads the invoice] H'mm, this invoice says,... FRAGILE!... HANDLE WITH CARE... ITEM DESCRIPTION: Crusher, Bone. QUANITY: One. [Satan rips the paper right out of his paws with a striking blow and reads it himself.]

Satan:  [Scratching his head] H'mm, I think I was informed 'bout this the other day. Very well than, lets bringer' in, shall we?

[Satan hands him back the invoice. The delivery man trys to push this huge thing through the door, but the crate is too large. Mopping more sweat off his fore head and face than he did before, he falls over and collapses. Satan sees this, shakes his head and says...]

Satan:  I got a bad fealing I'll be doing most of the hard work around here my self.

[Satan decides to bring the package in himself. During this process, with no struggle mind you, he destroys the entire wall surrounding the door which no longer exists because it is buried under an enormous amount of rubble. He shoves and slides the package out of the way, pulls some spare change out of his pocket to tip the delivery man.]

Satan:  Here's some Pub tokens my friend. Ya could probably use it after this trip!

[Satan looks for the delivery man, but cannot see him. It's as if the chap has vanished into thin air, and in Hell, the air is the thinnest!]
Satan:  Hello? Where did ya go? I turn my back for one second and the poor bloke vanishes! My new look musta' scared him. Oh well, I guess me visage is gonna' take some getting used to!

[The Delivery man finnaly starts to mumble something from under the rubble. The delivery mans' hand is seen surfacing through the debris, still holding the invoice, and asks Satan to sign it. Satan pulls out a huge, red feather pen, pokes it in his tongue to use his blood for ink, and signs the invoice with a big red X. He gives the man the Ten pounds' for his troubles' and says...]

Satan:  You wouldn't have change for a tenner, would you?

Man:    [Groaning in agony] I do, but I'm afraid I can't reach it with out having at least a two hour surgical operation entering my lower intestines. I'll have to get back to ya on that one, matey!

Satan:  Fair enough.

Man:    Oh, sir?

Sat:    Yes?

Man:    Could ya be so kind to lend me a hand here?

Satan:  I'd love to, but I just tossed the last arm it was attached to in the incinerator! [With an enormous roar of laughter exiting his mouth, the remainder of the ruined wall  crashes down on the delivery man's already rocky sepulture. Magically, Satan points to where the wall stood, a ZAP of lighting comes out of his forefinger and a new cave like wall is created which covers up the mess that was there.]

Satan:  Finally, I have found a job that I'm starting to truly enjoy! It's about bloody time! [He goes back to his new package and tears the crate open with ease. He inspects the contents' for any possible damage that may of occured during shipping.] So, this must be the new bone crusher everyone's been talking about! I can't WAIT to try this baby out!

[Salivating with joy, he goes over to a mountain of bones' that's been piling up because the Vicar's bones' destroyed the last one. He urinates in the gas tank of the device, (Yes, Satan DOES wee petrol.) checks the oil, pulls it's rip cord and starts this huge gadget. It begins to make the sound that a combustible device would. As soon as it's at full throttle he shovels his first load of bones' into it. Seeing his new toy working properly, he rubs his talons' together with joy like a child on X-mas day.]

Satan:  Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Just wait til' my mates see this thing! I'm gonna be the envy of the entire abyss!

[There's bone dust flying all over the place, which is landing on the ground like snow. He gets on his knees and starts rolling up dust balls to make a snow man. In stead of using buttons and carrots for eyes and a nose, he places blasting caps where the eyes go and a stick of dynamite for the nose. He lights the fuse on the stick and runs behind a huge rock for cover as it explodes. After the dust clears, a man is stands there who is the exact image of Marlon McHony as he looked before he was demonized. He is Decked in full camouflage with all sorts of weapons and grenades dangling off of him. Satan walks very slowly near this new soldier to greet him for he knows how dangerous he used to be. The new soldier blinks his eyes, looks around at his new home and says to Satan...]

New McH: Father?

Satan:   Yes my son? [Satan is in tears of joy that he called him father.]


[The New McHony leaps at Satan with a knife in his mouth. McHony tries to put Satan in a head lock, but as soon as he tries, Satan flips him over his back and tosses him so far that he is barely visible to Satan's eye. McHony gets off the ground, aims a  machine gun at Satan and empties a clip of ammo at him. Every bullet enters directly into his heart. Instead of dying, Satan aims his face at his son, flips him the Vee's, spits the digested ammo back at him and rivets him to a wall by his uniform. McHony is now pinned to a wall by his own ammo. Satan goes to him and grabs his face cheeks with his right talons. As he squeezes, shakes and slaps them he says in an Italian Godfather like accent...]

Satan:   Now-a that's-a my-a boy-a!

Scene III:  A Day at the Games

[We are back in Heaven again at Gods, Saints and Angels favorite past time; A Football tornament. Instead of a regulation leather ball, they are kicking the Old Satans head about. (God bends the rules a bit and lets' the football officials' slide on this one) Harry and Annie are the new guests' of honor and are sitting in the bleachers as the Royal Family would at a Newmarket horse race.]

Harry:  [To Annie] I still can't believe it! Who on Earth would of ever guessed that the first wedding ceremony in Heaven would be of an Celtic couple, let alone mere mortals?

Annie:  I hear ya, Harry. I've heard of the luck of the Irish, but this is ridiculous! This pearly-white nice-nice Heaven stuff may be all well and good, but I miss my ole' shack and friends' as well.

Harry:  Same here Annie. Maybe one day we can return for a short visit. There's gotta be some way in Hel... I mean Heaven that we can go on a holiday back down there, even for just a short time. [Harry starts thinking to him self of a plan, but every thing he thinks of seems to be a way that would displease God. God just happens to be sitting directly in back of the couple and over hears their conversation. God taps Harry on the shoulder and says....]

God:    Sorry to eaves drop, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I don't think you understood what I said to you right before your wedding. Remember when I said you have recieved the gift of immortality? Well, this power specifically applies to Earth. You are allowed to come and go as you please, except for one word of warning... Yesterday mourning I over heard two Saints talking about a new soul in Hell that has taken over. Rumor has it he is twice as mighty as the first beast, and that's not the worst bit! It's your old mate McHony and he seems set on getting his claws into you for something you did to him at a meeting with your father. What I'm saying is, you may have the power to go where ever you wish on Earth and in the universe, but please... HEED MY WORD! You are much to important here to be taken away from us by that bastard.

Harry:  [He thinks about it] You got a point there God. I AM the guy who trained him and made him the horrible way he is. If I don't know what he's capable of, than no one does!

God:    That's exactly what I'm worried about. If you two ever go at it you could destroy the entire Earth and the whole universe could come in upon it self!

Harry:  Point taken your Lordship. I'll do my best to stay clear of him.

God:    I'm glad you understand. You now seem wiser than I pegged you for in the first place! And one more item I might add...

Harry:  Yes?

God:    This mourning I heard that he has created an indistructable clone in the exact image of himself. This is why you must watch your back my son!

[They proceed to watch the game. The announcer says as the old Satans' head flys into the football net, "And ST. Peters Patriots have scored!". A huge roar of the crowd is heard from the Pearly Gates all the way to the ends of eternity!]

Annie:  [To Harry] You can't go down there now! What if he finds you and takes your soul back to Hell? I'll never see you again! I just coudn't live with my self if anything bad happened to you.

Harry:  Don't fret your self my love! If I know McHony, and I do, he'll kill himself just THINKING about offing me a second time. Besides, I've already thought of a plan to foil and rid that Bastard! OOP's! Sorry for the potty-mouth your Lord ship.

God:    Considering the subject matter, all is forgiven!

[Magically, God creates average utility suit a gasman or someone like that might wear, but this suit is different!]

God:    If you MUST go down to Earth my son, I would NOT recommend wearing your suit of armor which you were knighted in. This IS the year two-thousand on Earth and people might think your some kind of MAD-MAN if you go down there like that.

Harry:  You mean they didn't before?

God:    [God thinks] H'mmm... Point taken. Allow me to re-word that last phrase. FRUIT-CAKE!

Harry:  Much better your Greatness!

God:    [God hands Harry a gold box tied with lace] Here is a special item I have created just for you and your journey! It may look like an average utility uniform, except it is very different indeed.

Harry:  And how is that?

God     I hope you may never find that out, but I feel you must know anyhow. It is woven out of a magical thread that can resist the strongest and mightiest of any man made weapon. I sent two of my Angels to Nevada three years ago to test it out on a atomic missle range. Uncle Sam helped me drop three big ones' on it. This is the actual test suit. [God hands the suit to Harry] Do you see any rips or tears?

Harry:  [Inspecting the suit thoroughly] Not a thread out of place your Lordship! [He sniffs it] And it smells' nice too! [Harry puts the suit on. As he takes his mail off, he notices his tatoos are no longer on him and is relieved that they are gone. The
        fealing of innocence that he lost as a child is returning. He puts his new suit on and looks at him self in it] By the way my Lord, how did you know my size for the armor and this suit?

God:    I've been watching and waiting for you for thousands of years. I always knew you would come, but I never knew when. I've had my eye on you since your birth on that snooker table in the pub! I'll have to admit, that was one scene I could of done without, if I say so my self!

Harry:  I was told it was a bumber pool table. The publican used the table's knobs to keep my Mums legs in the right spot.

God:    Your telling me more than I need to know Sir Harry. Besides, I can always un-knight you if I have to, so DON'T PUSH IT!

Harry:  Well your the one who brought up the subject! [God stare's down Harry and intiminadates him into appologizing] My appologies Oh Lord. You are most definitly the Bee's Knee's!

God:    Like wise my son, like wise!

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