Scene IV: A Father, His Son and There New Toy!
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[Mean while back in Hell, Marlon (Cloney) McHony JR. is sitting on a jagged rock picking spent bullets' out of his uniform with his field knife. Satan, like the infant brained imbecile he is, is still ecstatic over his new Bone crusher.]
Satan: [Still shoveling bones into the crusher] BLIMEY! I could do this all day! This is truly non-stop fun!
[There is a huge mountain of bone dust piling up to the point where the visibility in this all ready hard to see terrain is deminishing. Satan is scratching his head and horns, trying to think of what to do with this Hellish mess. He snaps his fingers, sounding off that he has finally thought of some dreadful idea and calls for Jr.]
Satan: Oye, JR! Over here!
JR: [Finally being humbled by his father's power and knowing who's boss now, he runs to him at the drop of a dime.] Coming Dad! What's up?
Satan: I just thought of a plan to get that bastard O'Brian before God sends him down here to finish me off!
JR: H'mmm, let me guess? Your gonna invite him to a peace treaty, get him pissed drunk, tell him this pile of bone dust is cocaine and watch him snort him self to death?
Satan: Blimey! That idea IS better than mine! Are you allowed to do that? Think of something better than me? I'll have to look it up in my 'Running Hell For Dummies' book. [The view turns to Satans' bookshelf. The book's next to the one he just mentioned read 'The Idiots guide to Running Hell', 'How To Run Hell', and 'How to be a Complete Bastard'(parts' one and two). Satan trys to think again] DAMN IT! NOW you've sidetracked me and I can't remember what I thought of... Oh yes, Now I recall! Getting back to my idea, do you remember how you were born?
JR: Not really, but I have a dreadful fealing it wasn't from sexual intercourse.
Satan: Well, your absolutely right. Seconds before you became alive, I rolled up some snow balls from the bone dust and blasted you into life. If I can make an entire army of soldiers this way, they will save me the work of ridding of O'Brian my self! That bloke won't have a snowballs chance in Hell with me and my army after him! Get it? Snowball? Bone Dust? Hell? HAR HAR HAR HE HEE HA HA!
[They both laugh at Satans joke so loud that boulders and debris start falling every where to the point that they are trapped in the midst of rubble straight up to there chins, thus covering the entire ground surface of Hell. Satan says to JR...]
Satan: Don't worry sonny, I'll have this mess cleaned up in a jiffy with a zap of my finger!
JR: Don't put a rush on it Pop! In my opinion, we just made a huge improvement of this bloody place. Besides, I kinda like the way the rocks feal on my bum and knackers!
Scene V: St. Peters Ball
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[Trumpets are blaring, flying cherubim are tossing flowers everywhere and all the Saints and Angels are dancing together on this special occasion. There's a buffet of ambrosia and
Hors D'oeuvre's. The halls of St. Peter's gates are adorned with with thistle, ivory and an assortment of floral and fauna. What's the hub-ub all about? It's the first month anniversary of the death of the Old Devil. Word hasn't got out yet about the new tyrant of Hell because God doesn't want to scare the souls in Heaven who don't know about him. The only ones who know are God, the two Saints he over heard talking about "IT", Harry and Annie. The two Saints who started the rumor have been ordered by the Lord himself to keep quiet about the situation until it is under control.
Harry and Annie are dancing along with many others. Some are discussing matters at a huge dining table that has a wide selection of food. Annie is now asking Harry...]
Annie: Is there something bothering you, Harry?
Harry: Well, I was alright til' God mentioned the predicament with Mchony's new gig. Not that I'm unprepared for that pillock, but ya don't think he'll send anyone up here or come up himself to start something, would he?
Annie: You know him better than I do. I don't even ever remember meeting the guy. I doubt I would know him if I saw him.
Harry: I'm not concerned so much for my self, but if he harrasses my new mates' up hear then I may totaly lose it!. Last time I went bonkers I left three city blocks razed, and that was one of me GOOD days! [Short pause] Let me ask you this..., Right before the explosion did you see anyone near my shack before it blew up?
Annie: Let's see now..., there was myself, the Vic, piggy and Murphy, I mean PATTY,... H'mm... Oh yes! there was some other bloke! He had army clothes on. He left two packages' at your back window and jumped in a fox hole! Was that McHony?
Harry: Musta' been. Fits his description any how.
Annie: I'll never forget the look on THAT chaps' face, not in a million years I would!
Harry: So now if ya see him again you'll know what he looks like, Won't ya? Just stay clear of him if ya do and LET ME KNOW FIRST THING! That way I can sort him out before he gets to anyone else.
[They continue to dance, but suddenly there is a sound of a trumpet...]
StPete: May I have your attention! All Saints and Angels please fall out for roll call. Your service is needed immediatly!
Annie: Wonder what this is all about?
Harry: I don't know, but it doesn't sound good.
Scene VI: Into The Void...
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[The Angel Micheal is counting heads' and jotting down notes'. All the souls' are in a military formation. The squadrons' of spirits' are preparing for a deployment.]
StPete: All squadrons' report to your designated posts'. THIS IS NOT
A DRILL!
Harry: [To god] Do ya think I should tag along?
God: Knowing your track record and experience, I guess it wouldn't hurt. But if you must go, don't try anything rash. Watch, listen and learn all you can from my troops'. They've been doing this sort of thing for thousands' of years. Watch your back and stay clear of any possible combat engagements'. Good luck Sir Harry, and one more thing...
Harry: Yes?
God: Satan's demons' can't do much to my soldiers' until my army descends from Heaven because their power is useless up here. The only harm they can do to us is when we descend near the Earth or lower! This is when our power may be comprimised and they become strong, thus foiling our objective. As soon as we face the demons on Earth, we must smite them as soon as we see them or they WILL have the upper hand! [God hands him a sword] So remember what I have told you and use this sword only if necessary. And don't forget your suit [God hands him the box with the suit in it.]
[Saints and Angel are seen descending into the void below. Sir Harry takes off his mail, puts on his utility uniform and puts his mail back over the new suit. A huge pair of wings, three times the size of him self, extend from his back as soon as he leaps into the void. St. Anne waves farewell as her view grows smaller and diminishes.
The view goes back to Hell where the new Devil and JR have been busy indeed! Thousands of snow men like figures', which they created from balling up bone dust, are lined up in flanks. They are decorated with blasting cap eyes and dynamite noses' that are strung together with bits' of fuse. These abominable monstrosities' are about to be blasted literaly into Kingdom Come. Satan hands' are on a detenator stick which will ignite these vilians into life. Jr stands in back of him seconds before the blast.]
Satan: Ya ready sonny?
JR: Couldn't be more, Pop! Let 'er rip!
[Satan pushes down on the detenator, ducks for cover with JR and BLAMMO! After the dust from the blast clears, thousands of camouflaged demons of all shapes and sizes are seen standing in formation and ready for war! Some of them have spiring horns protruding from their heads' and others are so hideous that they don't need horns.]
Satan: Before I take care of Harry, I think we should have a little fun doing some firing practice back Home on the Range! Firing! Range! I'm a regular riot I am!
[One of Satans trolls runs in front of the formation of troops and blows a horn, thus signaling for them to stand at attention and prepare for inspection. Satan and JR inspect the troops, order them to butt heads' together and Presto! All the demons vanish.]
Scene VII: Not of This Earth!
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[The view goes back to a port in Northern Ireland. A large vessel is seen docking, demons unload a cargo of weapons and a fleet of lorrie's hall it off. Before the lorries' make it out of the docking station, a huge flock of Saints' and Angels' are seen landing directly in front of this dangerous convoy. Harry is the first one to land and is seen ahead of the rest of the flock. As soon as he does his wings fold in and disappear. In human height, Harry is about twenty-five feet tall. All the other spirits' land behind him. The first lorry is driven by JR. along with his Satan riding shot gun. A look of total surprise falls upon both of there deformed, hideous faces. JR stops short and his face hits the windsheild.]
Satan: It's Harry! He musta' come back for seconds. That chap always was a glutton for punishment. [Satan exits the lorry and stands aproximatly Twenty feet tall.]
Harry: My oh my oh my! If it isn't Phoney Baloney McHoney and Cloney McHoney. I've seen better heads on a pint of American beer. ONE of ya was hard enough to gawk at, but now I truly and COMPLETELY feel like vomiting.
[Harry's face turns green and starts the bodily motions' that he's going to regurgitate. A stream of vomit exits Harrys' mouth the size of the river Thames. All of Satans' troops and lorries are seen being washed back into the Irish sea by this enormous regurgitation. Moments after Harry is Satisfied with what he has done, the demons along with their leader are seen marching out of the sea back to the port parking area and prepared for war. They all aim their weapons' at Harry.]
Satan: [Wiping vomit from his eyes and face] Well look who's a big girl now? If it isn't little Miss Clever Trousers, flying around in heaven just like the enormous sissy you've always been. Ya' finally found a place ya can do ya nails and hair curler's up without the pub crew heckling ya. Better run to the chemist's before they run out of that brand of mascara ya always fancied! Oh! And don't forget ya fem-naps. It's OBVIOUSLY your time of the month! [Satan loads a double-barreled shotgun and aims it at Harry.] So ya like taking me miccy in front of ya friends', do ya Harry? Always gotta' be the center of attention and show off, huh? What's the matter? Didn't ya mum give ya enough loving as a wee one, or was she to busy slagging her poxic arse about the entire ruddy globe? Your probably the only chap on Earth she DIDN'T shag. I'm glad your still game for a laugh me Ole' friend, 'cause I've got a REAL barrel of laughs for ya! Several of them as a matter of fact. On the count of three brothers'. One..., Two..., and...
[An enormous stream of gun fire is seen shooting directly towrds Harry. As soon as he is struck by the ammo his mail shatters and falls into bits. After the gun fire stops and the dust clears, Harry is seen standing erect wearing his utility uniform without a scratch on it or a thread out of place. It's as if the gun fire has nearly improved his image. Satan see's this and his jaw drops lower than Murphy's from the first part of this script. JR. pulls out a bazooka, but Satan holds his hand out in front of him, thus ordering JR to cease fire.]
Satan: God or someone has obviously prepared those lot for this day. It's as if they all knew we were coming. Now who could of ratted us out? [to JR] You didn't happen to blab our plot to anyone, did ya?
JR: Honest I didn't! I swear to Go... [Before JR. ends his last word, Satan points his finger at his son, zaps him with a bolt of juice and changes JR back into the dust from whence he came. A small eddy passes by and blows the dust back into the never.]
Satan: Coat hanger, lighting bolt, what's the difference? I said it to the delivery man and I'll say it again. I got a feeling I'll be doing ALL the hard work around this place.
[Satan rips a huge lamp post out of a side walk to bash it over Harrys' head. Before it hits him, Harry pulls a matching utility cap from his rear pocket and puts it on his head. Instead of the pole clobbering Harry, it bends around his head and shoulders and stays in that shape just like in the cartoons. Harry is seen wearing the lamp post in a near perfect fit. He pulls it off, tosses it aside, tears a letter box out of it's bolts and slams Satan square in the face several times with it. As Harry pulls back the letter box an imprint of Satans face, like a childs Halloween mask, can be seen perfectly in the now wrecked letter box. Again like in the cartoons, stars and birds are buzzing around Satans' head as his eyes are crossed. All this does is aggravate Satan. Satan and Harry leap at each other combat style and begin to wrestle, seemingly to their deaths. As they roll around on the ground punching each other, they are demolishing everything in ther path. The towns folk see the destruction going on but think it's a tornado or a hurricane because the spirits and demons are not visible to the them for they are both in alternative and opposing dimensions. Civilians' are running for their lives. Cars, buildings, lamposts and anything else that might be in their way are instantly crushed, razed or embedded into the Earth from which they once stood. Dust and debris is flying everywhere. Harrys Mum, Mrs O'Brian, is now nearing the struggle between these two behemoths. She begins to yell.]
Mr. O'B:Stop this bickering this instant or I'll show ya who's got more bottle than Super Gran' I will!
[Surprised, they halt their row and stare at Mrs. O'Brian. She grabs both of them by the ears and demands them to appologize to eachother.]
Mrs O'B:You first Harry. Come on now like a good lad and be the better chap. [Twisting Harry's ear with the sound of cartilage ripping.]
Harry: But he...YEOWW! Alright mum, alright. I... I... umm... I'm sorry. Alright? I'm sorry I kicked ya under the crate, vomitted ya and your mates into the Irish Sea and made a Halloween mask out of that letter box by bashing it into ya face. Now let go already mum!
Mrs O'B:Your turn Marlon!
Satan: But he kicked m... YEEEOWEE! [In a deep loud satanic voice] ALRIGHT. I'M SORRY FOR SHOOTING YA WITH THREE MILLION ROUNDS OF AMMO AND WACKING THAT POLE OVER YA NOGGIN'. I'LL NEVER, EVER DO IT AGAIN! PROMISE!
[As soon as she lets go of them, Harry and McHony reappear, lying on the ground as mortals in Harrys front yard. His house is not totaly gone, but the roof and two of the walls are missing. They obviously blacked out from an explosion and imagined this entire story while unconscious.]
Harry: [With crossed eyes and looking very ill] Where the fuck are we?
McHony: Looks like we're at what's left of your shack, Harry. I musta' lit one off by accident. Sorry.
Harry: That's alright ole skipper. I've had much worse happen in the field during my training days. Lets shake it off with a nice cold pint at the pub!
McHony: Gee Harry, your definitly the bee's ruddy knee's ya are!
[They are now seen waddling down a cobble stone road with Harry singed to the skins while clutching his teddy bear. McHony's clothes are torn up too. But what happened to Patty and Murphy?
The view goes back to the beach were Patty & Murphy awaited a ship in part I of this story. Patty & Murphy are seen lying face down in their own vomit on a sandy beach. They are attempting to peel them selves off their messy bed of filth. There is a huge whisky jug lying empty beside the two.]
Patty: [Rubbing his head like he has a hang over.] Bloody hell! I just had the weirdest dream ever! I dreamt we went to Hell and had to serve the ruddy Devil himself!
Murphy: [Rubbing his noggin as well.] Crikey! I had the exact same dream! Ya don't suppose...
[They look at each other very wide eyed, but shake it off.]
Both: Naaah! It Couldn't of been!
Murphy: [Looking at his watch.] Blimey! We better get to the pub before the crew down all the bloomin' lager. It's snake bite nite at the Ole' Tam O'Shanter.
[Patty is seen tagging along his best mate Murphy. The picture of Sue Carpenter that was on the mine is seen stuck on the back of Patty's head and the drawn knockers' bit of it are stuck on the back of Murphys' vest. An enormous Evil roar out of nowhere is heard and scares our duo, making them once again soil their trousers and run the rest of the way to the pub. The End.]
October 25, 2000