Scene IV: The New Recruit!
[Back in Holmes's, I mean Inspectors Twatson's office, he is seen reading the profile of his new trainee as he blows on and polishes his new name plaque that sits on his desk. As he stares at a photo of the rookie, his eye balls' bulge out of his skull because the new recruit is a her!]
Twtn: Bloody fucking hell! If I wanted to train birds I woulda' joined the Falconer's society!
[A loud clearing of the throat sound is heard from a beautiful young woman in a three-piece suit standing at attention in the threshold.]
Woman: Are you Inspector Twatson?
Twtn: At your service! Are you Miss Hemlock?
Hmlck: Reporting for duty, Inspector.
Twtn: [Squinting his eyes] You look very familiar. Have we ever met before?
Hmlck: Not that I can recall.
Twtn: Well, there is no need for formalities while where alone. You can call me Twatson. [they shake hands]
Hmlck:Than you can call me Ivy! Do you have a first name?
Twtn: Good question! The guy writing this script is the biggest bastard on Earth and has obviously neglected to give me one! [flipping "Vee's" with both hands to the camera lens] Hello Ivy. It's very nice to meet you. When the other dic's are around we must call each other by our official titles. You'll get used to it soon enough. Please take a seat and make your self at home. My office is yours as well. According to these files, I've been assigned to be your new trainer and supervisor. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. There is no need to be shy, for we are all equal peers in this line of work.
[As soon as he says that, she takes off her jacket and reveals her huge curvy bust line. Twatson sees her figure and stares in awe at this sight. He is now speachless.]
Hmlck:Twatson?... TWATSON?... Are you alright?
Twtn: Uh... Um... Why, yes. Why do you ask?
Hmlck:Because you've been staring at my breasts for the past two minutes. [She decides to put her jacket back on]
Twtn: Oh, pardon me. It's just that I'm used to working with Shirlock, that's all.
Hmlck:If my being a woman is gonna' disturb our training, then maybe it's best that I wait 'til a female inspector is availible.
Twtn: Don't be redicules! I wouldn't have it anyother way. Besides, I think this is gonna work out for the best. The law enforcement board always takes a fancy to men and women working together. This will look good not only for us, but the entire Scotland Yard as well!
[After they seemingly hit it off as professional dic's, Twatson briefs her on the current case of the bomber.
The scene fades into a view of the Mayor, Cheif Holmes, Inspector Hemlock and Twatson discussing the case in Twatson's office. A clock on the wall reads Eleven O'clock P.M., one hour before New Years.]
Hlms: [To Twatson] Now, are you sure your gonna' be able to handle working with a female? Your not gonna spaz out and grab her knockers or something perverted, are ya?
Twtn: [Thinks about it as if he might do just that, but answers] Look who's talking? Just cause YOU can't handle your hormones doesn't mean everyone's like you!
Myr: [Angrily] THAT'S ENOUGH! I can't beleive the board promoted you two. How are we supposed to find this bomber guy if you two keep going on like this?
Hlms: Oh, it just comes with the job, Mayor. Despite the fact that we argue often, there is a very effective method to our madness! We DID solve the last three cases now, didn't we?
Myr: By the grace of God, obviously!
Ivy: I know I'm the new one here, but shouldn't we be setting up a plan to nab this bomber chap? [to Twatson] You DID already have a near miss in the pub the other day with him, didn't you?
Myr: She's got a point Twatson. Now that you may of been seen by this guy, every step you take is on egg shells. You COULD be a walking target.
Hlms: [To Twatson] Yeah, you might as well be riding a Vespa with a big bull's-eye on your back!
Twtn: [Defensively with arms folded] THAT'S RIGHT! EVERONE GANG UP ON ME WHY DON'T YA! I'LL GET THIS BLOODY CASE SOLVED WITH OR WITHOUT THE LOTTA YA!
[Twatson grabs his breifcase and storms out of the office. Ivy looks quickly at the other two men then follows Twatson. They enter Twatson's car and exit the Yard.]
Twtn: [Talking while driving] So you decided to be a detective, did ya? Where did you say you were from?
Ivy: I didn't. I'm originaly from Aberdeen, but I've lived in Westminster since I finished my police training two years ago.
Twtn: Well, two years doesn't mean squat! There's alot to learn here and London is a very dangerous place in some parts. If your not careful, your next step could be your last! We both have to watch eachothers back, so keep your eyes peeled at all times!
[They continue to drive into the night. Twatson enters the area of Brixton. He drives several blocks until he parks next to the address where the jewels are supposed to be delivered.]
Ivy: Where are we?
Twtn: This is the address of where the bomber said to leave his days pay.
[They both continue to inspect the outside of the premises. The front door of the address opens and a hand reaches out of it. It grabs Twatson by the throat and pulls him inside.]
Man1: [Holding Twatson around his neck with his arm] We got 'em!
Man2: I don't beleive it. The London bill fell for the oldest trick in the book.
Twtn: [Screaming to Ivy] Ivy, quick! Call for back up!
Ivy: [Taking off her coat and putting on her dead fathers I.R.A. jacket] Ya didn't think I was gonna finished this one without a hostage now, did ya? [Letting out a very sinister laugh]
Twtn: Why you no good BASTARD, I mean BITCH! I knew something was up when they assingned a female to me.
[Her two abeters put Twatson in a chair and tie him to it.]
Ivy: You have nothing to worry about. As soon as your crew delivers the goods, you'll be home safe and sound.
Twtn: And if they don't deliver?
[Ivy points to a T.V. monitor showing the Millennium Dome with a digital clock in the corner of it counting down from thirty minutes.]
Ivy: I hope you enjoy watching the telly, because for the next thirty minutes we'll be counting down the final view of your pathetic dome before it explodes into dust, IF your boys don't make with the goods that is!
Twtn: If your the bomber, then why did someone with a mans voice call in the threat?
Ivy: [Faking a Sean Connery voice] You mean this voice, Mr. Moneypenny? [Letting out another laugh]
Twtn: And to think I was starting to fancy you.
Ivy: Like wise, inspector. I was begining to fancy you as well, but this is strictly business, you understand. Nothing personal. Maybe after this is all over, we can have it off! [laughs again]
Twtn: Not likely Ivy. Conjugal visits are quite rare where YOUR gonna end up!
Ivy: Oh, I'm not too concerned about that either! [She lifts up her skirt to reveil two belts of dynamite wrapped around her thighs.] In case plan "A" doesn't work, I've prepared for plan "B"! I hear it's quite peaceful on the other side. Besides, if I DO have to end it, I'll finally be with the only man who ever truly loved me, my father! [She takes a bullet off a chain around her neck.] This bullet came out of my fathers heart after he was shot by your no good fucking R.U.C. mates. With out him, I don't have much to live for anyhow. Just because I'm not Irish doesn't mean I don't agree with there cause. [She clips the bullet back on her neck chain.] Our Red-Headed League may be far and few, but our saftey in numbers is what keeps us strong. We have ties all over the globe, so if I don't finish the job today, then one of my mates will!
Twtn: Ivy, I wish you would consider the consequences. We all have to deal with the grief of loosing a loved one sooner or later. Plotting vengeance is no way of handling things. You have your whole life ahead of you. [he thinks real quick] How 'bout this? If you give up now I promise to ask the Magistrate for leaniency on your behalf. The British courts are very understanding with people who have problems like yours.
Ivy: Who says I have problems? I just have a sweet tooth for vengence, and a few million quids worth of jems! [Ivy and her crew laugh] No one goes to that bloody dome anyway, so who's to lose? It's like I'll be doing London a favor. I should get a medal for razing that place!
[As soon as she says that, a squad of police cars are heard screaching to a halt out side the building.
Ivy: [Looking out a window and seeing the police] Great, more hostages! Your copper mates must be daft if they think there gonna win this one.
[Holmes is heard yelling through a megaphone.]
Hlms: Are you okay Twatty?
[Ivy opens a window a crack and yells out of it]
Ivy: He'll be alright as long as you cops watch your shit! One false move from your mates and 'Twatty' gets it, along with the Millennium Dome!
Myr: [Thinking to himself, now talking to Holmes] Do ya think any one will really care if she carries through with this?
Hlms: With what? Killing Twatson or blowing up the dome?
Hlms: [Thinks to himself too] Ya got a point there Mayor. But for all practicle purposes we must stop her this instant!
Ivy: Since I'm a fair player, I'll make this as simple as possible. YOU guys leave the Royal Crown Jewels at the door step and I'll let your Inspector go.
Hlms: You know better than I do that the Queen her self couldn't deliver such a request. Those gems are guarded with the highest level of security. They symbolize the eternal strife of all that is good upon this Earth, which is more than I can say for YOU!
Ivy: Oh, your a barrel of laughs you are! You should be a stand up comic!
Hlms: I would, but I got flat feet [snare drum and high-hat sound!(get it? Flat-feet? Cop?)]. Besides, threating and torturing Twatson has ben MY job for sometime now and If ya think I'm gonna stand by and let someone else do it, then ya got another thing coming, lass!
[Holmes makes the circle around his head gesture with his hand, signaling the other cops to suround the building.]
Hlms: It's too late anyway, Ivy. We have your flat surrounded. There's no way your gonna escape so ya might as well give up now!
Ivy: That's what you think, Piggo! [As soon as she says that, she raises a detenator switch with her hand so the cops outside can see it.] This switch is the only way I'LL be getting out of here. One more step and I'll end it for all of us!
[An S.A.S. sniper across the street in another flat takes aim out of a window at Ivy and fires. She is hit in the wrist by a nylon bullet and falls to the floor. The other two men run out of the back door of the building, but are nabbed by two constables waiting there. Holmes, along with two officers, enter the building and disarm Ivy's exposive belts. The medics haul Ivy into an ambulance and take her to the Hospital.
Twatson, still tied up, some how got a hold of the T.V. remote and changed the channel. He's watching 'Bottom' reruns and laughing.]
Hlms: [While untying Twatson] I told you not to come here 'til we had back up. What the hell is the matter with you?
Twtn: Your the one who assigned this nut-job Ivy to work with me, so it's all your fault!
Hlms: [Watching the telly and laughing too.] Who ARE these arse-holes? Isn't there anything else on?
Twtn: Well, there was some boring shit about the Millennium Dome on earlier.
[Both dic's stare at eachother with the usual stupid look.]
Both dic's: THE MILLENNIUM DOME!!!
[As if you didn't guess, Twatson changes the channel back to the view of the dome as soon as it implodes!]
Twtn: Well, at least we got HALF of the job done. I guess all detective storys can't have the happiest endings, can they?
[A police man comes from the back of the room holding a bundle of electrical wires.]
Policeman: I finaly disarmed the timer element of the bomb that was meant for the Dome. Ivy definitly knew her bomb making stuff, she did!
Hlms: Whattya' talking about? We just saw it blow up live on the telly!
Myr: Oh, that wasn't from her doings. The town board decided to level that bloody dome because it couldn't raise the revenue to stay open for another year. That place was the biggest money pit in the history of British architecture! It only cost the city two-million Lb's for the demolition experts to raze it.
Twtn: TWO-MILLION LB'S? IVY WAS GONNA DO IT FOR NOTHING!!!
Hlms: WE COULDA' USED THAT MONEY FOR THE CONSTABULARY!!!
Both Dic's: YOU FUCKING BASTARD!
[Both Twatson and Holmes pull cricket bats out of nowhere and hit the mayor in his groin. The mayor falls to the floor and rolls in agony. Twatson and Holmes finish watching "Bottom". Credits roll on both "Bottom" and this show at the same time. The end.]
January 8, 2001